


To know him is to love him

by monohighbrid



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Zombie Apocalypse, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Attempt at Humor, Blowjobs, Bottom Negan (Walking Dead), Bottom Simon, Caring Negan, Cussing, Eventual Smut, F/M, First Time Bottoming, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Friends to Lovers, Gay Simon, Light Angst, M/M, Minor Character Death, Mutual Pining, Pansexual Negan (Walking Dead), Rimming, Romance, Slow Burn, Smut, Top Negan, Top Simon, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-20
Updated: 2018-08-21
Packaged: 2019-05-25 22:44:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 41,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14987210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/monohighbrid/pseuds/monohighbrid
Summary: One night of drunken sex and Simon gets the chance to be something he never thought he would be, a father. His best friend Negan tries to be supportive, he really tries, but will the baby drive the two men apart? Maybe it is time for Negan to man up and confess his feelings for Simon. The only question is, will the other man even want him like that?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I write this story for my best friend who always seems to ship the rare ships... But I have to say, the pair is growing on me.
> 
> I will try to update weekly.
> 
> Enjoy and leave comments and kudos. Love me some comments and kudos.

Simon’s mouth felt like a stuffed animal he had found in a dumpster had died in it and his head practically pulsated in unison with his heartbeat that pounded hard against his sternum. It seemed like his hangover was nursing his own hangover. He groaned into the pillow he was hugging.

“Morning sunshine. How much is that pretty head of yours hurting?” Simon froze. Because a, this wasn’t his bed, he didn’t have a supersoft bedspread and it smelled like lavender, b, he was naked under the duvet, c, the voice had been female and d, it had been Nova’s. Very carefully he turned his head to face the woman standing in the doorway wearing nothing else but a little kimono, a cup, and a shit-eating grin. 

“Oh my God,” he pressed his face in the pillow. That had never happened to him before, ever. He heard her chuckle. “Did we? You know…” he said into the pillow. He wasn’t even sure if she could understand him since he had a mouthful of fluffy Egyptian cotton between his teeth. The whole bed was ridiculously luxurious. He felt the bed dip.

“Have sex? Oh yeah, we had. Terrible, clumsy, drunk,” she emphasized the word. “Sex. I am surprised we managed to go through with it without passing out or throwing up all over each other. What do you remember?” Bits and pieces. They had been at the bar, they had shared a taxi, for some reason they had started to make out, she on her knees, they tumbling into the bed, some very awkward fumbling. She was right. It had been terrible and clumsy. Simon sighed. He was 42 years old and he somehow finally managed to get drunk enough to have sex with one of his best friends. It happened, no need to freak out about it. She sounded like she wasn’t freaking out about it either.

“I remember you being very enthusiastic during blowjobs,” he grumbled and slowly got up trying to keep himself covered with the duvet. She grinned at him and held the cup in his direction.

“That is my forte,” he took the cup and sipped on it. The coffee was literal heaven. He eyed over to her with slightly squinted eyes. It was way too bright in that room and she looked way too chipper for someone who drunk as much as she had last night.

“Why aren’t you hungover?” she shrugged. He asked her that every time. He always seemed surprised

“I don’t do that. It’s a family thing, good genes I guess. That is why we usually spend holidays just plain hard drinking, nothing else,” she said with a grin. That was sort of unfair, wasn’t it?

“I should get going,” he mumbled between sips. He could practically hear her roll her eyes.

“I am not keeping you, but you should shower first, get dressed, have my patented hangover breakfast with me and then get going. No need to get weird on me now. You slept it off often enough in my house, this time you slept it off in my bed. So what? We are adults, no one got hurt, I will not suddenly fall in love with you, and I am pretty sure I did not bang the gay out of you, because I am man enough to admit that I totally sucked last night,” he looked over to her in a mix of annoyance and amusement. “So did you, by the way.”

“I am usually a very considerate lover,” he stated dryly. She was right. This would only turn weird when he made it weird. They had barely any secrets in front of each other and pulled together through a lot of shit.

That woman had been his moral support during his testicular cancer scare. She had held his hand all the time he had to sit through embarrassing examinations and had baked him (with her own hands) an even more embarrassing and surprisingly anatomically correct cake when all the results had come back negative. She had run into him having sex once which led to a weird conversation about the dynamics of his sex life and that she always thought he was a top, right at that instant, in the room, with his then-boyfriend behind him. She had made all the arrangement for the funeral of his mother when he just couldn’t. She had backed him up financially when his bar had been in a slump and not once mentioned it until he paid her back. He had sat with her through that terrible divorce while her ex tried to put her on trial and dug up or downright made up a whole lot of skeletons in her closets. He flew with her to England and spent an awful weekend pretending he was the new man on her side to keep her condescending, overbearing family at bay. He had slept on her sofa basically guarding the front door for two weeks after someone broke into her house when she was asleep, and she didn’t feel safe anymore. He had picked out her dog. He loved that woman like a sister. And here he was making it weird again.

“I have to trust you on this one I guess,” she tucked her bottom lip and got overly serious. “But I have to ask. Did I just take your vagina virginity?” Despite his headache and the shame, he had to laugh.

“As a matter of fact, you have” she looked a bit surprised at that.

“Seriously? You never dipped the ocean? Not once?”

“Nope, perks of coming from a super liberal family, I guess. They basically threw potential boyfriends at me the second I came out. No need to sneak around or get alibi girlfriends. And despite last night’s outlier the female form never does anything to me, so,” he shrugged. Then he frowned. “Did we use protection?” not that he was scared he would catch anything from her or gave her anything, but you never knew.

“Don’t you worry. Even drunk you is safety first you,” he sighed a bit relieved. Nova slapped him on the thigh when she got up. “Take that shower. I whip up something greasy that I will swipe through an ashtray for breakfast,” she laughed when she left the room while he fought back nausea.


	2. Chapter 2

A couple of weeks later Simon was assessing the cleanliness of the beer glasses with Arat standing next to him with crossed arms and a face like she was about to slap him. On the other side she always looked about ready to slap him, so he continued his thorough inspection. He was a bit anal with the whole tidiness thing, but he just had made her manager and better be painstakingly strict now, so she would keep up the standard when he would back off eventually.

“Seriously?” she huffed when he moved on to the whiskey glasses. The front door was pushed open and the familiar jingle of the bell ringed through the empty guest room.

“We’re closed,” Arat and Simon said in unison.

“I know, that is why I am here now. I need your undivided attention,” Nova looked rather sober at him and Simon couldn’t help a frown. He gave the hardwood counter a pointed look, it _could_ get a little bit shinier when Arat tried hard enough, and then he followed Nova who already made a beeline to his office. He closed the door and looked at her expectantly.

“You should sit for this,” she stated matter-of-factly, and his frown got even deeper. He sat on the leather sofa nonetheless, better be safe than sorry. He was a big guy. When whatever it was would rush him off his feet it would be a long fall down.

“So, what is it?” he asked her, and she tucked her bottom lip with a little contemplating scrunch of her nose.

“Remember our night of drunken lovemaking?”

“I do. You don’t stop making fun of my, and I quote, weirdly shaped penis,” they had decided to keep it between them, no need to give Arat or Dwight or Gary, or God help them, Negan ammunition to make fun of them, but it didn’t mean she didn’t bring up the topic from time to time. And his penis wasn’t weirdly shaped, but for her as a full-fledged English girl who just started hunting for a potential new partner in the States circumcision was still a novelty. He had to show her porn to convince her that he looked perfectly normal. That had been an interesting day.

“Congratulations, you are going to be a father,” the words hit him, registered, sunk in for a second and then just sat there. After what felt like an hour he swallowed slowly. Nova stared at his bobbing Adam’s apple with a raised eyebrow. She seemed awfully calm. Simon had a Bachelor in Art, believe it or not, he thought of himself as a literate, eloquent, and frankly quite sophisticated person, he had a lot of life experience, stood with both feet on the ground. He would be damned if he didn’t manage to say the perfect words to that.

“What?”

“I am pregnant, it is yours,” to give her credit, she didn’t start to get impatient right away, but when he didn’t react for another ten or fifteen minutes she ran out of that patience. “Come on Simon, say something,” he slumped a bit into himself and let his hands run through his hair.

“Jesus, are you sure it is mine?” that was the wrong question, he could tell the second the words came out. She looked at him rather furious now. Before she could start to shower him with what would be incredible British insults calling him a pillock or something like that he lifted his hands. “I am sorry, I didn’t mean to,” he sighed. “You could have tried to ease me into this one, you know?” he leaned forward and put his chin in one hand rubbing his face. She still looked a bit pissed, but also like she had to admit that he just made a good point. You don’t blurt something like that out like that. She leaned against his desk. Now she was the one sighing.

“I thought I just rip off the band-aid,” she muttered. She looked a bit lost. This had to be a shock to her, too, and he was being an asshole. But what was the best reaction here?

“You gonna keep it?” she smacked her lips and stared at a picture on the wall showing Simon’s parents with a rather teenage looking Simon between them. It had been his High School graduation, and everyone was looking so happy and proud it almost looked staged for a T.V. commercial. There were literally a hundred other candid shots on that wall, but she had to look at this one.

“Yes,” she said, with finality. “I mean I am 34, I am not getting any younger, I have the money, the house, been settled, have a green card, the support system, I think,” she gave him the tiniest look, although she didn’t just mean him. She meant hers and their mutual friends, too. If you ever get invited into the circle around that big asshole that was Negan you wouldn’t get out of it even if you tried. You were in for a lot of caring and sharing. “Would be nice to have a partner, I guess, but now it happened. I think I will just roll with it. Always wanted a child,” the last part was said almost only to herself. No, lost was not the right word. She looked scared. It had to be scary. Simon got up.

“Hey now,” he said softly. He wasn’t thinking much about it when he pulled her against his chest and he was glad that she melted against it a bit. “I never thought I’d be a Dad,” he said after a while. “Probably need some time to wrap my head around it,” he admitted. “But I’m in,” these three words were enough to make her relax. He hadn’t even noticed how tense she actually was. A child. He would be a father to some little poor girl or guy that would have two complete weirdos as their parents surrounded by a bunch of even weirder weirdos who would trip over themselves to spoil them rotten. Of course, he had thought about children, but he never even considered it a possibility. He’d never was long enough in a relationship, or committed enough for the matter, to even start to think about going through the frankly quite tedious process of adopting a child or asking one of his friends to play surrogate mom. And now it just kind of happened and with Nova, nonetheless, probably the only woman in his life with whom this could work out just fine. It hit him by surprise and he was completely unprepared, but maybe that was a blessing in disguise. He could be a father, he had had the best role model after all, hadn’t he? He would teach them everything his Dad taught him, from tying a shoelace to riding a bike and fixing a car. The little bundle would look impossible smaller in his arms as it already was, he could practically see it. He would build their crib himself.

“I sincerely hope that are happy tears,” Nova had pushed away from him and stared at him now in a mix of awe, relief, and amusement. He swiped away the wetness under his eyes and looked down on it surprised.

“They are,” he grinned. “I'm gonna be the best Dad!”


	3. Chapter 3

Simon slammed the glass with two fingers of whiskey hard enough on the counter that a patron two stools down looked at him with a strange frown. But Negan pissed him off, so he pissed off Negan. That’s how they worked. And anyway. What was the man’s problem?

“What is your fucking problem?” it wasn’t like Simon had expected Negan to become ecstatic on hearing the grand news that Nova and Simon would become parents, but he had expected some sort of support, hell even at least a lewd joke about Simon’s obvious virility knocking someone up the first and only time he actually slept with a woman. Instead, the other man had made it sound like Nova had lured him into an elaborate trap and Simon was making the biggest mistake of his life. Granted, there always had been some tensions between Nova and Negan, and Negan occasionally hitting on her like there was no tomorrow wasn’t making things better there, but Simon had shrugged them away. Negan was a bit jealous that he had to share his best friend of over 20 years suddenly with a woman (Nova just stumbled into their lives eight years ago), Simon knew that much, but he had to suck it up. It wasn’t like Simon neglected Negan, he practically moved in with the guy after Lucille passed away and still spent most nights at Negan’s instead in his own home. Besides, every gay man needed a female confidant, Simon realized that now, since bitching about men was ten times more fun when the other person bitched with him instead of grunting to shut the fuck up, he wanted to see the game.

“Nothing, it’s your fucking life Simon,” Negan snapped into his glass and downed the whiskey in one go. Simon glared at him.

“Yeah, you know what? It is. I don’t get you, you are just being an asshole. It isn’t like we were dating, and she got pregnant to trap me or something like that, or is doing this for child support,” Nova had more money than Simon, a lot more. Nova wrote books, and apparently, half-autobiographic stories about way over their head British millennials in America were best seller material. Simon had read two or three, but he wasn’t the peer audience (who had to be 20something girls with flower tattoos or metrosexual men with buns that used Twitter too much), but he was not denying that her writing was funny and witty. “It was an accident, a happy accident, but still, and we are doing the right and responsible thing there. I will support her all along the way and when the kid’s here we gonna raise it together, as friends, and you can shove it up your ass,” Negan glared back. Despite the fact that they were currently fighting Simon almost reflexive refilled his glass without the other man having to ask with more than just a little gesture. It didn’t stop Negan from continuing.

“And what if she finds a fucking boyfriend, hm? Then what? Where are you then in the picture? Or the other way around. When you find someone,” Simon now really looked rather incredulous.

“What is that suppose to mean? You really think I would drop a kid when I find the man of my dreams?” the nosy patron two stools down peaked up again and gave Simon a little once-over. Then he shrugged and went back to his drink. Simon didn’t turn on many gaydars, made it hard for him to find interested men, but came in handy when slightly tipsy ladies hit on him and gave him generous tips. “Or that she will treat me just like a sperm donor and kick me out of her life when she does?” Negan rolled his eyes and sipped his drink. Actually, he didn’t, for both of them. He wasn’t even sure were his resentment came from exactly. Maybe because the news had been surprising. Simon got closer now, nearly a bit too close, and lowered his voice. He didn’t look pissed anymore, more concerned.

“This will change nothing between you and me,” he said. “We will still be friends. We will still hang out. I had wished for a little bit more enthusiasm, and maybe at some point, I will get that, but I kind of hope to have you in the picture as well. The loudmouthed, cussing uncle or something like that,” for some reason these words made it worse. Negan made an ugly snort.

“I wait for my food in a booth,” he mumbled and left Simon standing behind the counter staring after him with a sad face and clearly a bit heartbroken. Ten minutes later Arat herself, although she barely waited anymore, that was beneath her now that she was a manager, put his burger and another beer in front of him and slipped in the booth. Negan gave her a wary look and made a point in ignoring her by very thoroughly applying various fixings on the burger. Arat could be very patient and she had a way of making him want to crawl out of his skin and hide in a hole. Few people had that effect on Negan, but Arat was a goddamn champignon in it.

“What?” he finally snapped. Arat leaned forward, conspiratorially.

“What the fuck is that now, hm? You being too chickenshit to talk to him about how you feel is one thing, I get it. I do. But pushing him away like that is just stupid. That’s one fight you won’t win. There is a baby in the mix now, and it’s Simon. You make Nova and the baby the enemy he will side with them and no one will be happy, especially you,” Negan chewed slowly his burger that suddenly tasted like Styrofoam. One night of drunken rambling he wished he could take back and Arat had it all figured out. At least it was Arat. Gary would probably have live-tweeted it for shits and giggles. It wasn’t that it was a secret that Negan wasn’t especially picky when it came to whom he laid, he considered himself as rather unbiased, and didn’t really care about appearance, race, or gender, but he had never been interested in Simon that way, never, until Lucille passed away and the man got all caring and tender with him. Negan hadn’t pursued anything then, he wasn’t an idiot. He had been grieving, a lot, and he felt ashamed for all the things he put Lucille through and he had been convinced all the strange, confusing feelings he suddenly had for Simon were just a byproduct of all that emotions twirling inside of him. And anyway, Simon had been so gentle to him because of his loss, it wasn’t like he suddenly developed great new feelings for Negan, too. But when the grief had passed, and Negan had been able to move on the awkward butterflies, the thoughts about Simon’s trim body, even the embarrassing sex dreams still were there. And it wasn’t even entirely sexual if it would have been he would have asked Simon if he would be interested to help a man out to get it out of his system a long time ago, no, it was a real wish for commitment. He wouldn’t call it that, he wasn’t a little girl, but he was actually pining for the guy for four years now. It even interfered with his game and more than once he walked away from a potential partner because he couldn’t get Simon out of his head.

“I fucking know, alright? I don’t need you to fucking lecture me,” he glanced over to Simon who polished a glass with an angry frown and enough force he would break it wouldn’t it be a beer mug. Negan could see that much. So beautiful, so dangerous, so much raw anger, so much strength under this miles and miles of tanned skin. That biceps alone. And all the other muscle Simon was packing. He could probably pin Negan against a wall if he wanted to. He could feel his dick twitch on its way to get half hard already. That was the last thing he needed here, a boner in the middle of the bar. He forced it down with the sheer willpower that came with being a hypersexual man who taught sports to seniors and some of these ladies were theoretically legal and focused back to Arat who looked at him amused. She must have caught the lusting look. Negan rolled his eyes.

“What are you so afraid of? That he suddenly falls in love with her? Or that they get married because he is old-fashioned that way and it’s “the right thing to do”? Because I got news for you, he won’t stop being gay all of the sudden and I know her long enough to promise you she would never go for a relationship with someone who just settles for her.”

“That ain’t my concern,” it was, partly. Mostly the falling in love thing. He had no idea where exactly Simon was on the spectrum, although he always assumed totally gay. He never even looked at a woman twice, no matter how obviously attractive she was and how much of flirting she was doing, but he must be seeing something in Nova after all that had made his drunk self throwing itself on her. And if there was even the tiniest nucleus, who knew? Simon was a catch, and he would never say it out loud, but Nova was a catch, too, and these two got along irritably well, stranger things had happened. And babies tended to make people all mushy, weird and soft. Hell, Sherry already basically dragged Dwight into “let’s have a baby, too, so they are close in age and can play together”.

“Or are you worried he will spend all his time with Nova and later the baby and you are sent to the sidelines?” that basically drove it home. He couldn’t have Simon the way he wanted he at least could monopolize his free time, or at least Negan’s free time since he was the only one with a regular job. He had to give that little Mary Poppins one thing, she never actually tried to barge in between the two men and usually hung out with Simon during the day, perks of being self-employed, so Negan had him in the afternoons and weekends. Negan had a bad feeling that would change now, and it really felt like a fat lump in his chest. God, he sounded pathetic like that. Arat got a bit softer now.

“Hey, we are talking Simon here. He would take a bullet for you, and a baby wouldn’t change that,” she made a pause for dramatic timing. “When you behave like an idiot, on the other hand.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. Can you at least give me like five seconds to get used to the fucking idea that Simon and Nova will have a little version of themselves running around in a couple of months before you drag me over there on my fucking ear forcing me to apologize and shit?” Arat lifted her hand in defeat. She couldn’t really say anything since Gary showed up. The other man waved to Simon who just nodded back, still peeved by the fight with Negan. He was on his phone, as usual. Arat got up and Gary took her place. He shot Simon another look and then Negan.

“What’s wrong with you?” he asked. Did everyone had to be so perceptive today?

“Nothing, I'm fucking peachy,” Negan grumbled and sipped on his beer. He had it stand around too long, it already tasted flat. Stupid light beer, but Arat tended to cut him off early when he was in a mood. Probably a good thing.

“Heard the news, huh?”  Negan rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, let’s say I didn’t exactly roll out the banners,” Gary scoffed and gave Negan a strange look. Gary couldn’t really keep a secret to save his life, but sometimes, only sometimes, like right now, Negan was convinced the man knew about his feelings for Simon.

“For all it’s worth, I'm not super thrilled myself,” that was no surprise. Gary was heavily crushing on Nova, the only secret he could keep, barely, at least from the woman herself who was blissfully unaware. They would make an odd couple. Nova grew up rich and British and you could tell that from a mile away. She was an author, she had upper-class hipster friends and went to cocktail parties. Gary grew up in the ghetto, had been in prison, owned a bike shop and generally looked like he would kick your ass for looking at him funny and he was friends with the likes of Negan. There was nothing wrong with that. The man had worked hard to be where he was now, but it didn’t change the fact that they would make a _very odd_ couple. To give the woman credit when it was due, she never ever seemed to have any problem with the fact that Simon and his friends, who by extension and eight years of just being there had become her friends, too, were basically a whole different circle than she was used to. The only thing that raised the one or other eyebrow sometimes was that she seemed to have a very loose relationship with money. She had lent Simon nearly 50000 dollars in cash without even batting an eye and any form of hesitation like it was nothing, and it probably wasn’t, for her at least.

“You wanna get drunk?”

“I thought you never ask!”


	4. Chapter 4

“Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged to my door,” Simon said smug and Negan glared at him. He suddenly found the bike in the hallway way more interesting than the man in front of him and he clenched the jaw with a defiant look. He was here to apologize, Simon knew that, and he had to be a bitch about it. Negan had gotten drunk with Gary on Friday, had nursed his hangover on Saturday and was now standing in front of Simon’s apartment. He had even waited till after 11 since this was Simon’s only real day off and he tended to sleep in on Sundays. “You wanna coffee?” Simon asked having mercy on him.

“Sure,” Negan followed Simon into his kitchen desperately trying not to look at the man’s ass. Did he have to open the door in boxer briefs? He could at least have the decency to wear boxer shorts, clothes in general, maybe a tunic or some sort of bag. He felt the blood rush to his dick. By this rate, he needed to find a willing body real soon, like yesterday, to blow off some steam. He barely registered Simon saying something to him.

“What?”

“I said, I only have skimmed milk. Is that okay?” he let it sound like this was an accident, but the guy didn’t even put gluten in that body. But by all means, whatever he was doing, keep up the good work.

“Yeah, it’s fine,” Negan pretended he was observing Simon preparing coffee on the fancy high-end coffee maker instead of appreciating the muscles moving on Simon’s back and cleared his throat. “So I was being an asshole earlier,” he stated.

“Don’t I know it,” Simon just said without looking up from the task. Okay, tough crowd. He wouldn’t get out of this one with a simple Hey, I am Negan and I am an asshole. You know what you signed up for.

“I said some shitty things I shouldn’t have said, I didn’t mean any of it and I really adopted the wrong fucking tone, alright?” Simon put the cup in front of him. He managed to look straight-faced, but there was the tiniest glimpse of amusement.

“The wrong tone, hm? You mean for example when you accused her of tricking me, so she could, and I quote, ‘incubate my spawn’?” he made actual air quotes.

“Yeah, that and when I made it sound like you are two 16-year-olds who don’t know how sex works and now ruined their lives. In my defense that comes with the territory,” P.E. and health class. It was amazing how stupid these kids were, not that he blamed them, he wasn’t even allowed to show them how you put on a condom, much to the dismay of Negan since putting condoms on produce was the only reason he became a teacher in the first place. “I am aware that you both are adults with jobs and saving accounts and shit. And you will be great parents, especially you. The kid will be one lucky bastard,” the last one was nearly mumbled. Simon looked at him rather soft now.

“Thanks, I appreciate that. And I accept your apology.”

“So we’re good?”

“Yep, we’re good. Drink your coffee. I need to kick you out,” Simon walked out of the kitchen already, probably to his bedroom to get dressed, leaving Negan sitting on the counter. The coffee tasted amazing. He maybe was making fun of Simon’s weird obsession with roasts and blends and brewing techniques, but he could not deny that he made the best coffee.

“Why? What are you doing?” Negan yelled after him. The apartment wasn’t big, yelling wasn’t even necessary.

“Have a hot date,” Simon said walking back into the kitchen, still barefoot, with his undone jeans riding low on his hips and buttoning one of his nicer flannels, the red one that was a bit too snug on the biceps, not that Negan was paying attention to something like that. First, he got a woman pregnant, then he had the audacity to walk in here looking like sex on two legs and now he was going on a date? That man was out and about to kill him.

“With whom?” Negan even managed to sound neutral. Simon buttoned his jeans and shrugged.

“Some guy. Came in the bar Friday after you and Gary left. Was a bit pushy if you ask me, but he's hot, and I can handle pushy,” Negan felt almost relieved. That sounded more like a casual thing than an actual date. Still

“You think that this is the right time to go on dates?” he asked. Simon frowned at him amused.

“Why, because my baby momma needs me? I read the embryo is the size of an apple seed. I’m going on a limb here, but I think she got it for today. I on the other hand really need to get laid,” Negan had the one or another idea how he could achieve that without meeting up with strangers. Shit was dangerous. The guy could be a murderer. Well okay, considering whom Simon was usually dating and comparing these men to Simon it was more likely that Simon was the murderer here. Simon had a peculiar taste in men. They usually were attractive but bland, not stupid or anything, actually quite smart, but boring as hell. Negan was convinced half of the time Simon had dated that Aaron guy he didn’t even remember he was there.

“Well at least you can’t get him pregnant,” Negan deadpanned. Simon produced a pair of socks out of thin air and put them on.

“Believe me, for all I am planning to let him do to me today you should be relieved that he can’t get _me_ pregnant,” he said with a little, lewd smile. Yep, Simon was out and about to kill him.


	5. Chapter 5

“Eight weeks,” Simon stated dramatically, and Nova looked up from the ultrasound picture she had just frowned upon. “Size of a raspberry. And apparently, it has fingers and toes now,” Nova pursed her lips.

“As charming as you weekly update about the size of the fetus compared to fruits and vegetables is, I still find it utterly irritating,” Simon smacked his lips. Nova was cranky since morning sickness had hit a couple of days ago and the woman was not a fan.

“First, that’s the most British thing you said to me all week. Second, wait till I compare it to pineapples and pumpkins, _then_ you will be annoyed,” Nova rolled her eyes.

“There is a pineapple on that list? The thought alone to press out a pineapple, which comes to mind when you directly compare it to a baby, is downright terrifying,” she looked at the picture again. The doctor had reassured her that being unimpressed by the first ultrasound was quite common. She still felt like a bad mother already. At least everything seemed to be fine. Simon nudged her.

“Hey, I was neither over- nor underwhelmed, too.”

“So just whelmed, then?” she smirked. That was a start.

“Stop obsessing. Call it what it is, a dark blob with a lighter, raspberry-sized blob in the middle,” he would show it around nonetheless, that was Simon for you. “Next time we will probably freak out, heartbeat, gender and all.”

“I can’t wait to hear which fruit I carry around then,” Simon got serious.

“No spoilers, but I promise you will be surprised,” the barrister called out their names and Nova got up to fetch their beverages. Simon was avoiding the young man behind the counter on purpose. Sure he seemed nice and all, quite cute, not that Simon used that word to describe a man, but Simon was not interested. Not at all. Maybe at some point he had to communicate this clearly, though, since the guy was not backing off. Nova came back with a knowing little smile and Simon sighed.

“Looks like Paul, that is his name, by the way, worked up the nerve to scribble his phone number on your cup,” Simon glared at the little numbers.

“One could think sitting here waving ultrasound pictures around would have done the trick.”

“Well, in all fairness and considering in what kind of place we are in he probably thinks we are single best friends who decided to have a baby together because it is time like this is an Amazon Original series.”

“Yeah, that is something Amazon would produce, and no one would watch,” he said thoughtfully. Then he frowned. “Is this what your newest book will be about?” she shrugged. “Seriously, who reads that?”

“Apparently nearly 17000 people this week alone. Don’t hate. These generic books full of stereotypes and clichés that basically write themselves,” Simon rolled his eyes. That was his words, not necessarily hers, but she wasn’t mad at him, she actually appreciated the honesty. “Will buy this one an Ivy League education,” she pointed on her abdomen. “But back to more pressing matters. What are you going to do about Paul,” she very obviously pointed to the guy somewhere behind Simon and he almost turned around out of reflex.

“Nothing,” he stated and sipped on his coffee.

“Why not? He is attractive, and he seems nice. He is rather soft-spoken. My Grandmother always said a soft-spoken man is gentle at heart, although I think she meant that as an insult. She was more a come home with your shield or on it kind of woman,” he looked at her amused.

“Gentle at heart? He’s not my type. Just leave it be,” of course she wouldn’t.

“Why not? What is even your type? Every time I think I figured it out you switch from a Henry Cavill to a James McAvoy and everything crumbles together like a house of cards,” it was true, Simon did that.

“I don’t know. He’s too young, and too short and too over-educated looking while simultaneously being under-employed. Not my type, period,” he said in a droning tone. She was starting to get on his nerves. She looked at him hard with that face like she had it all figured out.

“So older and taller guys are more your thing? Down to earth, blue-collar kind of guys?”

“Apparently.”

“What does older and taller mean? Let’s say 50 and 6 feet 2?” she asked innocently. Simon’s eyes snapped to her. “I’m just tossing numbers around. Anyway. Absolutely non-related, random thought. Do you know that a high school coach gets paid 30 percent more than a regular teacher? It is scandal unless of course, you are somehow involved with one. Then it is a lucky break. And contrary to most teachers in this country they are quite appreciated, especially when they, say, bring home State,” she sipped on her weird chai latte cinnamon drink that would give Simon morning sickness, and looked at him with a face like butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth.

“We are not having that conversation.”

“What conversation?”

“It is not like that with him,” Nova looked utterly blasé now. 

“Maybe the fact alone that you are so defensive about it every time is proof enough that it is,” she had bid up her strength here, she knew it, he knew it. Everyone had to fend for themselves now.

“I gotta go,” he mumbled and already get up. It wasn’t underneath him to leave her sitting here.

“I am your lift,” she stated.

“I’ll just walk.”

“See you tomorrow,” she singsonged after him and the word bitch came to mind. His, anger wasn’t even the right word, more irritation, would be gone in an hour and he would apologize for bailing. Simon took a deep breath. It wasn’t like that with him. Even if it was it would never be more than a couple of nights. The other man could not possibly want more than that. Simon would never risk half a lifetime of friendship for this


	6. Chapter 6

Warm hands, calloused, but tender sneak under his shirt along his sides, squeeze gently his trapezius muscle eliciting a content sigh. A body, larger than his, slowly lowers down from behind, wraps him in warmth, and hard arousal is pressing against his ass. Lips, a bit chapped, but plush and oh so kissable, surrounded by unruly stubble, ghost over his earlobe and making him shiver.

“Good Morning,” a voice says, dark and husky from sleep, rough and sexy, and Negan grabs behind, gets hold of a head, lets his fingers run through a bit too long hair, pulls…

 

An unnerving ringing cut the dream off abruptly and he glared angrily into the space in front of him. He was just about to get to the good part. With some grumbled fucks he rolled to the side and trolled for his phone before he moodily pressed the green button. Was it weird to talk to the subject of a very recent sex dream while still entertaining a raging boner? Definitely, but when wasn’t he horny around Simon? Also, these dreams got really intimate and detail orientated, he used to have more straight to the point dreams revolving around Simon, the poor man basically reduced to a disembodied dick, but somehow this here had turned into a housewife’s fantasy. He should write that shit down, land a book deal and a movie, let two hot people without chemistry perform tamed versions of the sex acts on screen. He should have never let Arat made him watch those Fifty Shades movies.

“Someone better be fucking dead, or so help me” he grumbled into the phone. Simon stayed quiet for a second or two.

“That’s a hell of a greeting. Did I wake you up?”

“Yeah.” he had no idea what from. “Why are you calling me so fucking early?”

“It’s after nine,” Simon deadpanned on the other end.

“Well, it is still fucking early when you go to bed at 5 and I am not exactly 20 anymore.”

“You finally got out of that dry spell? I swear undersexed, cranky Negan is not my favorite Negan,” Negan just scoffed. Actually, he had found someone last night and went home with the chick. Although she seemed to have enjoyed herself he had nearly been bored. True to his MO he had been sneaking out after the deed was done just to go home, take a shower and stare at the ceiling for two hours contemplating about how truly fucked he was. “Anyhow, the reason I called is that I have to bail on you, again, sorry,” Negan groaned.

“Seriously man? That’s the third time. I can’t clean that shit out myself. Didn’t you hear me saying I’m not 20 anymore like 30 seconds ago?” After Lucille had died Negan hadn’t it in him anymore to live in their house and had moved into a three-room apartment. Now after nearly four years he finally was ready to sell. “So what does she fucking need this time?” he nearly snapped. No, not nearly, definitely. The past three weeks Simon was practical with Nova nonstop who wasn’t “feeling well” whatever that meant. He and Simon barely talked and apparently, she didn’t want to make a big deal out of it, so it could be everything, from her being slightly unwell to serious complications. At least Simon could give him an explanation why he left him hanging the third weekend in a row. It wasn’t like Negan actually needed his muscle, hell Gary was basically two men, but most of the stuff in the house had been Lucille’s and Negan wasn’t quite sure how going through it would turn out for him. So he needed Simon’s moral support, but the man was too preoccupied with baby shit. Negan would recognize the silence on the end of the line anywhere. This was the silence around Simon when he was menacingly staring.

“You better watch your mouth there,” and that was the matching tone to the menacing stare. “She’s seriously sick here, and believe it or not she and the baby are more important than you and some old furniture,” Negan scoffed. If it would be just some old furniture. Simon wasn’t even realizing what he was saying here.

“You know what Simon, fuck you. I don’t want your help anymore. Go and hold your baby mama’s hand or whatever. I don’t care. Fuck you,” with that he hung up and threw his phone somewhere onto the bed.

“Fuck,” he groaned. Way to communicate his feeling and emotions. Now he had pissed off Simon, royally, and quite rightly at that. When she was actually sick, and Simon wouldn’t just say that when it wouldn’t be true, then Negan just had been a complete douchebag. But frankly, Simon had been a complete douchebag there, too. He had every right to be pissed off as well. So why wasn’t it anger he was feeling, but rather a whole lot of disappointment? That was exactly what Negan had been afraid of. He sighed and sat on the edge of the bed. At least his boner was gone, and the recent fight had probably cured him of any new sex dreams for the next couple of days, or so he hoped. The little ugly cat Negan called his own ever since Simon had decided Negan’s apartment was one species short, he needed a cat, came in and brushed along is legs. Negan scratched him between the ears and got up.

“You’re my only friend now.”

On the other side of town, Simon sat on a lush sofa in a living room where his whole apartment could fit in with his phone clutched in his hand and stared at his own reflection in the massive T.V.

“Fuck,” he groaned and threw the phone somewhere on the couch. That came out wrong. He could’ve at least said that Nova and the baby where _at the moment_ more important. And he hated to let him stand in the rain like that, but that morning sickness business was serious. He never in his life had seen someone throwing up that much like Nova the past two weeks. It had started harmless enough, but now a nurse came in every day and gave her fluids and vitamins over an I.V. drop. She had passed out on him twice, they had been in the hospital four times, she had been barely eaten, was constantly nauseous and this shit seemed to get worse and worse every day. She needed him, because who else should take care of her? That walking sexual harassment lawsuit about to happen that was her editor? Or her squirrely and always on the go agent? Or one of her so-called other friends who would have trouble finding time because then they would have to reschedule brunch? But maybe he should have told Negan any of that. He couldn’t really blame him for lashing out. It was Negan after all. But no need to badmouth Nova. He got up and walked up the stairs to her bedroom. To his relief, she was still out as a light after yet another night of relentless dry heaving between a lot of tears. This was hard on her, not only physically, emotionally too. She was scared to death, so was he. He gave the bottle with antiemetics a glare because these white little fuckers were useless white little fuckers and climbed next to her in the bed. He could use some hours of shuteye himself and she liked it when he was there. His phone was still downstairs, something he regretted now because maybe he should write Negan a text, offer another apology, or at least explain that this here was only temporary, that Nova would be fine again in time. At least that was what the doctor had promised, and he better was right. Simon sighed and looked over at the small form under the heavy duvet. She was so fragile right now. This was the woman who carried his child. No matter how much it stung, Negan had to wait in line.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case someone wants to know, Nova's around 12 weeks pregnant now


	7. Chapter 7

Five weeks. Negan was avoiding Simon for five weeks now. And after an incident with Gary the whole gang, too. He wasn’t even entirely sure what his reason behind this was exactly, but he had convinced himself that may be keeping some distance to Simon would calm down his feelings and he could move on. Simon had reached out, three times, and at the third time, Negan had finally managed to piss him off enough that some of that well-contained rage had come out and Simon had shoved him roughly against a wall announcing he was done with Negan’s bullshit. There was no avoiding Dwight of course, downside of working at the same school. The other man had given up on encouraging Negan to make nice with Simon again, but he didn’t back off and that’s how Negan found himself in a weird double, blind date with Sherry, Dwight, and a woman named Andrea. He wasn’t really interested in her, but he could behave when he wanted to, he even was charming, he didn’t want to piss of Sherry and Dwight after all. They were his only friends right now. Literally. So he somehow ended up asking her out on a second date, even in a rather fancy restaurant. He could be classy on occasion. Maybe moving on from Simon meant moving on literally, and who knew. Andrea seemed nice enough, although she wouldn’t shut up about her little sister. But the plan to give this one a try had flown out of the window the second he sat down, and he was now right in the middle to be the worst date that poor woman ever had, and they were only 20 minutes in. The reason sat a couple of tables away in a secluded booth, the ones reserved for couples who wanted to have a little bit more privacy, and tried to bring some distance between her and the man sitting way too close. First Negan had thought that had been a date and he was seriously questioning Nova’s taste in men, but then the guy had pulled out some paperwork and it had made click. This had to be the editor Simon had told him about, Gregory something, the one the other man had had a hard time not to punch in the face. And Negan now could see why. The way he leaned in to show Nova whatever was written down on that pages was at best inappropriate and she clearly felt uncomfortable, but she had no way out without climbing over him. Negan bet that this was the other man’s intention all along. So now Negan sat there, unashamedly staring over, ignoring Andrea completely and contemplating what he should do. First, the big question was if she even wanted his help. As much as it pissed Negan off he was well aware that women had to endure shit like that in order to keep their jobs and if he waltzed over there he could seriously fuck things up for her. The second question was what exactly could he do. The guy was maybe sleazy, but he hadn’t done anything warranting things in the vicinity of breaking his jaw. He could text Simon to give her a call or something, an excuse to leave. He could make a waiter aware of what was going on. He could walk over to say politely hello, make the man aware that Nova wasn’t alone anymore, that she had a tall, tattooed, generally a bit dangerous looking friend in here now that could clearly see from where he was sitting what was going on. And he was about to do just that when the other man’s hand disappeared under the table and it was enough for Nova to jump up. Negan nearly jumped up, too. With her lips pressed to a thin line and generally avoiding the other man’s eyes, she excused herself now profusely and pressed past him out of the booth, clearly disgusted. Negan leaned back relieved and turned to his “date” who looked at him sourly. Okay, this was not going well. He was about to say something, maybe even explain the whole situation when he realized that Nova wasn’t leaving, she was walking to the restrooms, and that in itself wasn’t bad, but the asshole actually followed her.

“Okay, that’s it,” Negan snapped and throw the menu that he had been holding for 20 minutes without being any wiser what that place even had to offer on the table and got up. Before he stormed after the two he remembered shortly that he had something resembling manners. “I am sorry. This is not working out, clearly. Yeah, so sorry,” he mumbled and then he was gone. Sure enough, the guy had her cornered against a door saying private and Negan’s anger skyrocketed when he heard what the man was currently saying while basically pressing against her.

“No need to be shy. We just see what happens, hm? That you are pregnant is not a problem at all,” Negan grabbed him by his nape and with one strong pull yanked him away from her and against a wall. He had used enough force to knock the wind out of his lungs.

“Ain’t she lucky that isn’t a problem,” he growled and brought himself between Nova and him. He swallowed the urge to punch him in the balls, but he held him pressed against the wall.

“Who are you?” he now demanded to know, and Negan put on a cold smile.

“Oh I’m Negan. Nova here is a friend of mine. And I don’t appreciate you harassing my friends.”

“That is not what is happening here. You clearly have no idea what is going on,” Gregory was scared out of his mind. Of course, he was.

“I don’t? So you didn’t have your hands all over her earlier although she clearly didn’t want it? And you didn’t press yourself against her just thirty seconds ago and she didn’t try to push you away?” he shot Nova a little look over his shoulder. She stood there rather spooked hugging herself.

“This is none of your business. Let me go or I call the police. Nova, tell him to let me go,” Negan waited if she actually would say something and after 30 seconds of silence she did.

“No,” she said in an incredibly small voice that broke Negan’s heart a little. Negan looked at him smugly. He would not actually assault the man, you don’t assault men who looked like they could afford lawyers that didn’t operate out of a strip mall after they saw your face and knew your name, but he could threaten the asshole a little. There was no law against that. Okay, there was, but it would be his word against Negan’s and something told Negan that Nova would back him up.

“Well look at that,” he grinned. The other man collected all his bravado and put it in his next move.

“I _will_ call the police.”

“Saying what?” Negan got closer. He was hovering probably three or four inches taller than him. “Hi, I am a little, slimy, coward douchebag with a small dick and I am harassing women because I think I’m entitled? I need to tell you something, and it’s really simple. So even if you’re stupid, which you very well may be, you can understand it. You ready? Here it goes, pay attention. I know who you are, Gregory, and the father of that little one Nova’s carrying knows who you are, too. So now you maybe got the impression that I am bad news, oh and believe me, I am, but let me assure you that I’m cute and cuddly compared to him. His name’s Simon. I believe you two met,” by the look that now appeared on his face he clearly remembered 6feet3 and 200 pounds of muscle. “So the next time you lay hands on her, you even look at her funny this will end really, really bad for you,” he stepped away from him and straightened his jacket. “Some man you are,” he snorted disgustedly. “Now you will walk out like nothing happened, pay your bill, and don’t forget to fucking tip 20 percent, the staff relies on that money, and then you will get the fuck out of that restaurant. But always keep my words in mind and your little, needle-thin dick in your pants, and you can live a long, happy life without ever having to see me again,” he made a head jerk and the other man bolted. Negan glared after him for a while before he turned to Nova who still stood there with her arms around herself avoiding his gaze. This generally pissed him off, that she felt embarrassed like this had been her fault somehow. 

“Are you alright?” he asked softly. After a while, she nodded and let one hand run through her hair.

“I am fine, it is fine,” she said in a distracted voice. Negan wondered how often that asshole had tried something like that or if it happened to her before. Probably. He wasn’t getting closer, but he very carefully touched her arm. She looked up.

“No, you’re not. So what do you need, hm?”

“I just want to go home,” she finally said.

“Alright, I can do that. I can bring you home if you let me. Or you can call someone, Simon maybe.”

“He has the bar alone this night. No, that would be great. Thank you,” she still couldn’t really hold eye contact. The douchebag was gone, so was Andrea, and Negan quickly sorted the tab for their drinks. When she buckled her seatbelt she finally seemed to relax. It also gave Negan the first look on her little baby bump that her cleverly tailored dress had covered so far. He had the impression she was a bit on the small side there, but that probably was no surprise since she was just over her hyperemesis two or three weeks ago, something he knew because Sherry kept him updated. He pretended he didn’t care, but honestly, he did. He also didn’t understand why Simon hadn’t told him, he hadn’t behaved like a dick. This stuff was dangerous, she could’ve lost the baby, and maybe the odds were low, but she could’ve died.

“You have a very small car,” she finally interrupted his thoughts, and his staring on her bump and he looked up. She had said it so seriously he just looked at her for a second and then he laughed. He actually hadn’t, or so he thought, but it was definitely no Dodge Ram.

“Yeah not all of us drive around in a tank of a pick-up. I swear he’s compensating something with it.”

“Like what?”

“You tell me,” he mumbled. He didn’t really want to talk about Simon although he was the one bringing him up, above all he didn’t want to listen to insinuations considering his dick. Nova was classy enough to go over that topic anyway. She stared out of the window while the town rolled past. He cleared his throat.

“I didn’t ruin something there for you, haven’t I? With your job I mean. I came on him a bit strong, but assholes like that just piss me off,” she turned to him with a soft smile.

“Don’t worry about that. Gregory would cut himself in his own flesh. He is always a bit handsy, but this today,” she shook her head and looked onto her hands she had folded in front of her belly. “He probably thought I am damaged goods and would gratefully accept his generous offer now that I carry a bastard child,” she said and there was a smirk in her voice. “I should have never sat on that table with him, though. I should have bailed when I saw that there are in fact no other people like he had told me,” Negan shot her a little look.

“Hey, nothing like that now. He was the asshole. He made the mistake. You did nothing wrong. You shouldn’t be worrying that shit like that happens in the first place,” he grumbled now. Nova looked at him for a little while.

“You are good at this. Do you know that?”

“Good at what?” he asked awkwardly.

“Making me feel safe and better about myself,” she said softly, and he shot her a little look. “I don’t always see it under all that machismo and attitude, but you are a good man.”

“Yeah I don’t know about that,” he mumbled.

“You deserve good things happening to you, you know that, right?” Negan frowned confused. What was she meaning with that? “You should try to make things good again with Simon. He doesn’t know what he has done, but he feels bad and he misses you. And I will be honest, there are just so many hockey games that I can watch. That game is utterly confusing,” she resumed her looking out of the window like she didn’t just say that thing about him deserving to have good things.

“He didn’t do anything,” Negan said. “It’s me.”

“I know,” she just stated. Was she knowing about his feelings for Simon? When Negan was honest to himself then she would be the first to pick something like that up, but because she was all classy and sophisticated she wouldn’t gossip about it or make fun of him. He probably even could talk to her about it, but he wouldn’t because he was a manly man man who didn’t do talking about emotions. He pulled in her driveway and looked at the dark house. She was a tough cookie, she would bounce back, but still.

“You shouldn’t stay in that big ass house of yours alone that night. Maybe you should call someone to keep you company,” he suggested into the air in front of him. He could see her smile from the corner of his eyes.

“That is a wonderful idea, I know just the right person,” she unbuckled her belt. “Talk to Simon. At least text him. Fix this,” she said and to his surprise grabbed his hand and squeezed it shortly before she let go again. “And thank you.”

“Not for that. And now get out of my car,” she chuckled and waved him before she disappeared into the house. After a while, some lights on the second story went on. Negan pulled out his phone and stared down on it. When he opened the chat with Simon he was greeted by a lot of messages of Simon asking him what was wrong, nearly begging him to talk to him. They had stopped roughly three weeks ago after Negan had given him some choice words including a derogatory slur considering Simon’s sexuality he wasn’t proud of that had led to Simon nearly starting swinging. It took him a very long time to type out a message.

_Hey, can we talk? Tomorrow at my place around 6 pm?_

He frowned down on it and added an I’m sorry before he pressed the send button. With a sigh, he pushed his phone back in his pocket and was about to start the car when a motorcycle pulled next to him. He couldn’t really see it since the shield of his helmet was pitch black, but he was sure the biker was as surprised to see him as Negan was. He got out of the car while Gary dismounted and took down his helmet.

“When the fuck did that happen?” Negan asked as a greeting. Gary shrugged. He shot the tiniest look to the windows and Negan could have sworn there had been a little smile. “What is Simon sayin’ to that?”

“He’s cool with it,” Gary just deadpanned.

“And why is no one telling me about shit like that?” Gary already walked to the stairs.

“Maybe if you wouldn’t have your head in your ass you wouldn’t be out of the loop. Get your shit together with Simon, man,” he said over his shoulder.

“Yeah, people keep telling me that. So fucking thank you for your input,” he took a deep breath. “Gary!” the other man stopped and turned around.

“We’re good, right?”

“Yeah, we’re peachy. Don’t mention it. Go talk to Simon!”

Back in the car, he gave the bright windows another look. He sincerely hoped for Gregory sake that Negan wouldn’t have to make true on his promise, and he would, because with Gary in the mix the asshole was dead. What a strange turn of events.


	8. Chapter 8

Simon hadn’t answered, although he at least had read the message, and Negan was pacing. His cat looked at him annoyed. It was 10 after 6 already and Simon usually wasn’t fashionably late.

“Should I text him? Call him?” the cat gave him another scrutinizing look. “You are no fucking help you little asshole.”

The ring of the bell made him jump and he was at the door and ripped it open so fast Simon stepped away startled and nearly dropped a black paper bag he held in one hand.

“Jesus, are you trying to kill me? I come in peace,” he said. They seized each other up in silence. Simon didn’t look upset or anything, maybe a bit weary, but there was also a little, amused frown on his face and Negan relaxed a little.

“I’m glad you texted me,” Simon said after a while.

“I’m glad you came. Although you could have texted back,” Simon shrugged.

“Well, I could have, but I wanted to let you stew a bit in uncertainty as a little punishment for calling me a pansy the other day,” Negan’s eyes fell to the ground, which was an odd reaction he usually didn’t get flustered like that and owned up to his bullshit.

“About that, I didn’t mean to say that. It was an accident,” Simon wasn’t saying anything, so Negan looked up and in Simon’s smugly grinning face.

“An accident. How did that happen? Were you aiming for devilishly handsome and somehow landed at pansy?”

“Something like that,” he mumbled which earned him a little frown and an awkward pause.

“So yeah, don’t sweat it, as far as insults go this one’s harmless. Haven’t heard it since 1939, always nice to bring out the classics. You called me worse. I called you worse. And I made it physical, which I shouldn’t have. I feel bad about that. Are we good? You let me in? So we can talk about the bigger, underlying issue why you behave like you behave in the first place?” What could Simon mean by that? Had he caught on? Had Nova said something? Arat? Gary? Negan somehow managed to step aside and let him in instead of slamming the door in his face. Simon made a beeline to his living room carelessly throwing his leather jacket on the sofa and turned around holding the paper bag in Negan’s direction.

“First things first. Thanks for yesterday, really I mean it. This could have turned really bad and I’m all kinds of relieved you had been there. So this is a little thank you present from Nova for stepping in yesterday. Just take it. It’s a thing she does,” Negan grabbed the bag reluctantly. It was pretty heavy. He pulled out a box and stared down on it for a while.

“This is like 30-year-old Whisky,” he stated like this were some sort of breaking news for Simon. “And Glencraig Whisky,” he added eloquently. “That’s not a thank you present that is a fucking investment. I can’t take that.”

“Well,” Simon dropped on the sofa. “I’m just the delivery boy. You want to refuse it you have to talk to her. But like I said, that’s something she just does and there is no getting out of it. She charms you into taking it. You go and try to give it back you will end up with two bottles and a complimentary eatable arrangement. Remember when someone broke into her house? The police were useless and frankly pretty rude, and she sent the precinct three muffin baskets thanking them for their good work,” Negan sat next to Simon and nearly gingerly placed the box on the coffee table.

“No seriously, this has to be a 7-hundred-dollar bottle. And I didn’t even do anything special. Everyone would have done it,” Simon smacked his lips.

“Well now in Nova’s experience that his not the case. And try 1000. I shouldn’t tell you that since this is a present. But I have to tell _someone_. The guy in the shop probably thought I stole her credit card. I swear, a drone was following me here,” he chuckled. Negan still didn’t look convinced, if anything he looked even more disturbed. “Look, it sounds weird, even a bit snobby, but for her, it’s just money. It took me four years to get over that, and at this point, she probably spent 5000 dollars on coffee on me. There is no hidden agenda or anything, she doesn’t do that to show off or swank around. She knows you like whiskey, she wanted you to get something nice, so she got you something nice. Just take it, alright? You can let it stand around and break it open to a special occasion,” Negan rubbed his neck. He wasn’t used to things like that.

“Fine, but what am I supposed to do now? Is there like a protocol? Should I send her a fucking card?” he said only half-jokingly.

“Just say thank you for the whiskey, that wasn’t necessary, she will politely say that was the least she could do, don’t mention it and everyone will go on with their lives,” Negan proceeded to stare at the box with Simon next to him. They sat like that for a while.

“So can we talk about what’s eating you up the past weeks?” Simon asked him softly. Negan sighed and slumped into the couch. He and Simon sat rather close now, Negan had not intended that, and it made him uncomfortable. Instead of sliding a bit away since that would look really awkward, he just avoided to look at Simon and glared at his T.V. instead.

“I don’t really fucking know,” he pressed out.

“No? Because I think I do,” Negan felt a surge of panic. He couldn’t possibly know what was going on in Negan’s head, could he? “This isn’t just about the baby and me spending so much time with Nova. You are not just pissed at me because you had to carry out all that stuff alone, am I right?” _Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God._ “This is because I was a terrible friend when you needed me,” wait, what? Negan looked at Simon. “You’ve been so much better the past 2 years. You talk about her, tell stories about her. I forgot how much it still has to hurt, and I wasn’t there to help you sort through her stuff. Jesus, I called it just some old furniture. And I admit I wasn’t even considering that you might need me there, I thought why the drama, just ask Gary and Dwight. I was being selfish. I could have found someone to be with Nova for one weekend, she was maybe in bad shape, but she wasn’t dying. And this had to be the worst possible timing with me basically avoiding you for weeks before that. I didn’t mean to do that. I promised you that the baby won’t change anything between us and I failed you. And I am sorry. It’s no wonder you are acting up. That’s what you do, just that usually I am the one who sets you straight and has your back,” well, Negan had dodged a bullet there. But Simon shouldn’t take the whole blame, this was just one part why Negan had withdrawn himself from him and all his friends, and it wasn’t even the bigger one.

“That’s not all. It’s,” he sighed. “It’s everything. Pressure at work, the fucking house, Lucille’s stuff, you, Nova and the baby, and I don’t mean it in any way accusingly, and maybe I’m a bit lonely lately,” that was close enough to the truth. “You didn’t leave me hanging, I mean you did, but I made it very fucking easy for you. I was practically begging for it. Was a fucking asshole. Story of my life. Manage to piss off everybody, even Gary, and the guy is usually fucking serenity incarnate,” until he wasn’t, and you didn’t want to be on his bad side when he wasn’t.

“I wondered what happened there, actually,” Negan scratched his forehead and turned his face to Simon. Jesus, he was close, barely eight inches away. They were basically breathing the same air. For very long seconds Negan’s eyes fell on Simon’s lips. It would be easy to lean in. Simon looked back at him with an expression Negan couldn’t interpret, but then a little frown crawled between his eyebrows. What was Negan doing here? He hastily sat up and put his forearms on his knees. If Simon found that awkward he wasn’t showing. He still sat there relaxed and like nothing happened.

“He didn’t tell you? I was kind of irritated and we had a somewhat hostile conversation and I ended up punching him. Wasn’t fucking warranted at all,” Simon huffed a little laugh.

“How did that go for you?”

“Clipped me right back. Knocked me out cold. Woke up on that couch with an icepack and a note that he’s sorry he didn’t mean to hit so hard,” now Negan had to chuckle. In hindsight, this was kind of funny. He rubbed his neck. “By the way, am I the only one that thinks Nova and Gary is kind of a weird pairing?” Simon scoffed.

“That’s basically all the girls are talking about. I swear when they are both in the bar I have to break up clusters of my waitresses staring at them,” Negan looked over at Simon.

“What are you saying to this? He says you’re cool with it, but are you?” Simon shrugged.

“Strangely enough I am, not that I in the grand scheme of things have a real say in it. I mean, everyone is gossiping about the obvious, she’s rich, he’s not, she went to Cambridge, he was in prison, she looks like that chick from New Girl, he looks like goon number two from a Banshee episode, but they aren’t so different after all. They have the same dry humor, they are rather nonjudgmental, they both hard workers, and Gary maybe lacks education but he’s helluva smart guy.”

“That he is,” Negan added.

“I admit, I’m a little wary about the timing. But I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt because I think Nova wouldn’t just go for it due to she being all hormonal and nesting. She doesn’t do casual. And she, and I share one of my biggest secrets here with you, always had a thing for Gary after all,” Negan raised an eyebrow to that.

“Really? Why haven’t you set them up, yet? You’re usually a fucking sucker for shit like that,” Simon chuckled. He was. Setting up people was basically a hobby of his. And it usually turned out fine. Sherry and Dwight, Negan and Lucille, even Aaron and Eric and the first one was his ex.

“I actually don’t know. Maybe because deep down I, too, thought they would be a weird couple. But now that they’re together? I don’t know, I think they’re quite cute. You can come to the bar later. Form your own opinion. And yesterday was career day. Fresh young faces, not that you look at that, in tight short shorts? You can be the owner’s creepy best friend,” he chuckled. Negan huffed a laugh.

“You make it sound so alluring,” Simon might be gay, but he was definitely not a feminist. He was a businessman after all and his bar lived from the college crowd and the sports fans, so he had no quarrel whatsoever to choose his waiting staff solely on the fact how pretty they would look in shorts and tight tops. He was paying above minimum wage and drunk guys had a habit of tipping well, so the girls didn’t mind. That didn’t mean he would allow the objectification to cross a certain level. Try to touch one, see what happens. Simon looked at his watch and groaned.

“Speaking of the bar, I promised Arat I relieve her at 7, so I should get going. But like I said, I would be thrilled when you come over later. And I’m free the whole weekend. So maybe we can hang out, and you can bitch about your job and everything else, hm?”

“Yeah, that would be great,” Negan watched Simon get up and grab his jacket. He reluctantly got up, too and walked him to the door. Simon turned around halfway through the door.

“Look, uhm, right now Nova’s fine, considering, and I back off a little, so she can spend her time with Gary, but I cannot promise you that I will never cancel on you again on short notice or something like that. This will happen, especially when the kid is there. But I will try to be a bit more sensitive about it and not let you stand in the rain when it’s important, okay?”

“Yeah I know, Simon. I fucking get it. You don’t need to apologize for that,” Simon wasn’t done.

“But you need to do your part here too. Talk to me when something eats you up. You cannot shut yourself out like that. That ain’t good for you and it certainly isn’t good for me. I fucking missed you man,” Negan had to chuckle.

“I missed you, too,” a very wide grin appeared on Simon’s face and Negan’s heart melted a little.

“So why haven’t we hugged it out yet, come here,” before Negan knew it he was in the middle of one of Simon’s bear hugs. He got a nose full of Simon, a mix of expensive aftershave, that weird vanilla fabric softener he was using because deep down he was a little girl, and something musky and spicy and completely Simon that made his knees week, and he realized that he was basically clutching onto the man. He awkwardly stepped a step back and retreated backward in his apartment. Simon was still grinning at him.

“See you later?” he asked him, and Negan just nodded.

“Yeah, bye,” with that he closed the door. Simon turned to walk down the little hall to the elevator and the smile disappeared from his face.

“Fuck,” he mumbled under his breath. Negan had been super awkward, and it had happened before. Four years ago when Lucille had died. But that had been just the grief and the confusion. It hadn’t been real. And this today? Moving out all her stuff from the house had probably opened up the wound a bit and he had said it himself he felt lonely and over his head there, so this wasn’t real as well. Right? It had been easy for Simon to gloss over it when the other man had been half-insane by grief, but this time he didn’t know how he would react if Negan would really take action. Negan had thought about kissing him earlier, that much had been obvious, and that hug had been everything but platonic. But Negan hadn’t been comfortable with it at all. He didn’t actually want this. And that was fine, Simon had made peace with that fact a long time ago. He just had to sit it out, like last time, be a supportive friend, act normal, and most importantly don’t give in. Negan would regret it, it would mean nothing and change everything.


	9. Chapter 9

Simon was spinning around aimlessly in his office chair staring at the ceiling. He was waiting for Negan to show up, he had exciting news to share, but when he was really honest to himself he wasn’t exactly eager to be alone in a room with the other man. Maybe he should move that meeting to the guestroom. The last month had been exhausting and frustrating. It wasn’t like Negan made one pass after the other and Simon had to dodge him constantly, but Simon was aware of the lingering stares and the general awkwardness which in return made him hyperaware of Negan in the first place. It would be so easy. He sighed and sipped on his beer. Negan parading around him at the moment was the equivalent to smelling his favorite food without getting to eat it and it sucked. And Nova was no help. Not that she was showering him with I told you so’s, but she gave him knowing, encouraging looks. What did she know? Like this was so easy just because it worked out fine for her and she and Gary were all happy and cute and he wanted to begrudge that, but he couldn’t because he was an awesome friend. He sighed again.

“Why so dramatic?” Simon twirled around and nearly sputtered his beer.

“I, uhm,” he was well aware that he was staring, but he couldn’t say anything, and he most certainly couldn’t stop staring. Negan started to fidget uncomfortably with his cufflinks.

“The Jury seemed to like it,” he said softly. Ron Anderson, Senior, baseball and basketball captain of the varsity team, had hit Carl Grimes, sophomore, not in any team at all, over the head, with a baseball bat because of some girl. And Negan had been the only one to see it.  Negan was what one would call an unreliable witness, or at least that’s what the Grimes’ lawyer was afraid the Andersons’ lawyer would turn him into with his not to so upstanding past, so they had pulled out all the stops to impress the Jury. His beard was neatly trimmed, he was combed and polished like a new penny in his fitted navy-blue suit, and he looked like someone who just stepped out of a high-class men’s magazine. Simon was talking GQ here, at least. 

“No, I mean, yes, you look,” stunning? Sexy? Like a gift ready to be unwrapped. “Good,” smooth save Simon. Simon cleared his throat and was suddenly very busy to look elsewhere.

“I fucking hope so. Shopping suits with your baby mama was like a never-ending Kingsmen montage. She has a guy for suits. Why does she need a fucking guy for suits?”

“I don’t know,” Negan dropped on the leather sofa losing the tie and Simon started the staring again. He managed to form a coherent thought that was somehow related to the conversation so far. “So what was the verdict?”

“Nine months on probation. Rick’s kinda pissed off everyone including me, not that I blame him. Carl has lost a fucking eye,” that brought Simon back to reality.

“Seriously? Gary got six years for basically the same thing and no one lost body parts.”

“Perks of being a white, rich kid with a bright future. Welcome to America,” he sighed and frowned at Simon. “So what’s so important I had to come ASAP?”

“What?”

“You asked me to come over. Are you having a stroke or something?” Maybe.

“Yeah, about that,” he got up. He had like 20 feet from his desk to his couch to get himself together and somehow he managed that although he sat down on the farthest spot possible before he faced Negan. “Well first, you are the first person besides Nova and me to get to know that we will be having a little girl,” a very wide grin appeared on Negan’s face.

“Seriously? That is awesome, man.”

“It is. Between you and me? I kind of hoped it will be a girl,” a dopey smile appeared on Simon’s face.

“That ain’t a surprise at all. You have like 8 million pictures of your nieces on your phone alone. Your sister will be so annoyed of the 16 million you will send her,” Simon had to laugh.

“Yeah, it’s on. Anyway. This is not the only reason I called you here,” he got a bit more serious. “Okay, well Nova and I were talking, and we were wondering if you might do us the honor and become the little pomegranates godfather,” Negan stared at him dumbfounded.

“Are you serious?” Simon looked at him a little amused.

“Of course I am. Who else would I ask? And before you are wondering, it was basically Nova’s idea, too. You were literally the only person she suggested. Maybe because I wholeheartedly agreed with her instantly and she didn’t have a chance to present other options to me, but we will never know that.”

“Wow, I don’t know what to say,” a smile crept up his face. “This has to be the first fucking time. Dude,” he now grinned at Simon.

“Is that a yes?”

“Hell fucking yes,” Negan basically jumped up and pulled an unexpecting Simon in a bone-crushing hug. A hug that felt surprisingly normal and not awkward at all, until it didn’t. They somehow bypassed the moment to let go of each other and Simon pushed away slowly looking straight on Negan’s lips who looked back in a mix of awe, lust, and disbelief. All of Simon’s alarms went off, a bunch of red lights, flags and abort, abort announcements over his internal PA system, but his body seemed to have other ideas, because instead of doing the rational and responsible thing here he actually leaned in, their lips closing in on each other. Arat ripped the door open without knocking sending both men jumping away from the respective other. There was no denying in what exactly Arat had just run into, and by the look on her face, she had read the situation loud and clear. Simon was never so relieved about somebody cockblocking him. Negan rubbed his neck and ducked his head a little while Simon straightened himself and turned to her like nothing had happened.

“What is it?” Arat needed a second or two to collect herself.

“We need you outside. Dixon’s here,” that sent Simon into action immediately and he was already barging out.

“What the fuck is he doing here?” he growled.

“I don’t know, but he’s all over some customers. I’m sorry, but there is only so much I can do,” Simon shot her a little glare unsure if she just apologized for not being able to handle the situation on her own or interrupting Negan and Simon’s whatever that was that just had happened. What could Arat do anyway? She might be fierce and a force to be reckoned with, but she was no match for a (probably high) raging racist.

“Don’t worry, I’m here for shit like that,” Simon’s bar was in a respectable part of town and things like bar brawls happened rather rarely, but Merle Dixon seemed to have some sort of personal vendetta against Simon and showed up regularly harassing his guests, ignoring the multiple house bans like the proper asshole he was, although it never ended well for him. Sure enough, the guy was crowding a booth with four scared looking college kids giving them some swearwords and Simon would bet money and this bar the only reason he decided to pick these kids was that a white girl was apparently with a black guy. The four were over their head there, one of the girls was crying, they looked nice and upper middle class. They weren’t used to things like that. Simon was hoping this night wouldn’t end in a crushing Yelp! review. He took Tanya, who had stared helplessly at the scene, gently by her shoulders and somehow led her behind the security of Negan’s back. Of course, Negan had followed. Simon getting rid of troublemakers was always a show you wanted to watch. Simon made a beeline for Dixon, pressed himself between him and the table and gave him a rough but effortless shove sending him stumbling backward a couple of steps. He didn’t give him much time to recover and repeated the spiel which effectively brought a healthy distance between the asshole and the kids. Simon straightened himself to his full glory and put his hands on his hips, even flexing a little, showing off these impressive biceps. He glared at Dixon for a second before a rather smug look appeared on his face.

“Merle Dixon. Long time no see. Last time we talked I had you pressed face-first against a wall enjoying myself thoroughly behind you. I hadn’t the impression you were having a good time, too, but here you are, begging for seconds.” Negan had to grin. Considering that Dixon probably thought faggot was Simon’s actual name his words were so deliberately provocative it was about as subtle as a chainsaw to the face. Simon had the right to refuse service and the right to kick someone out of his bar, but he had no right to do it forcefully unless the asshole started swinging first. It wouldn’t take long for Dixon to start swinging. Simon was counting on that. “So what the fuck do you not understand about never show your ugly mug in my bar again, hm?”

“You can’t tell me what to do you cocksucking nancy,” Simon scoffed amused.

“Wow, that hurt. You covered it with cocksucking already, adding nancy is just bad style. Do I have to spell it out for you?” Simon got a little more serious. His brows furled, his mustache twitched aggressively. Behind the calm and friendly man who always made light of every situation hid something else, something darker, more primal. Simon had worked hard to control the anger, the rage, but sometimes you could still see it. Asking Negan it was as beautiful as it was dangerous, and he never found him sexier than when that fury swirled so close under the surface, even when it was addressed towards him. So Simon’s mustache wasn’t the only thing twitching here. “Get the fuck out of here,” he nearly growled.

“Or what, faggot? You gonna make me with the help of that uppity bitch and her nigger boyfriend?” he made a head jerk to the kids who flinched in the sudden attention. “Or your little towelhead waitress,” now Simon tilted his head. He looked confused for a second before he shot Arat a little look. He huffed a laugh.

“Arat’s Hispanic. You don’t even get your slurs right. Guess that’s what you get after generations of inbreeding,” it was surprising that that was enough to send Merle over the edge. He charged and didn’t get far. All Simon had to do was step aside while simultaneously punching him in the solar plexus. Merle Dixon basically ran into Simon’s fist. He pulled the other man up and twisted his arm behind his back. Dixon had a hard time breathing right now. Simon already shoved him towards the door. He wasn’t even struggling. The crowd parted from both sides and suddenly Simon was face to face with two police officers.

“Look at that, Alexandria’s finest,” he said cheerfully. “Sheriff Grimes, Deputy Ford. Is this a social call? Then let me take out the trash first,” Rick shared a look with his partner and let his eyes roam through the room. He stuck a bit on Negan and his face got gloomier. Negan had just told the court what happened, and yes he had glossed over similar, albeit less serious incidents involving Ron in the past. But not because he was protecting his star athlete like Rick had insinuated afterward. Because he had met Ron’s mother, and the mousy blonde had screamed domestic abuse all over and he had cut the kid some slack. Didn’t change the fact that him being here probably would make things harder for Simon whose relationship to the Sheriff department was strained, at best, already.

“We’ve been called to a 10-44,” Rick now said, and Simon pulled a little face. He looked around in the crowd.

“The cops? Seriously,” then he turned to Rick. “Let’s assume I don’t know police code, but when it means a drunk, racist redneck making trouble in my bar you came to the right place,” Rick mustered Simon appraisingly. It was clear that Dixon was in pain and that Simon was holding him rather snug and uncomfortable. Rick sighed.

“And what is it what you think you are doing here?” he asked Simon who just grinned his most jovial grin.

“Executing my right to refuse service, it seems,” Rick rolled his eyes.

“Let him go,” it took a moment for Simon to actually follow that request, but with a scoff, he gave Dixon a little shove towards Rick. He toppled over a bit, held his stomach and glared at Simon.

“I will fucking end you,” he growled. What an idiot. Simon just huffed.

“Okay, that’s enough,” Rick snapped. “Maybe Mr. Dixon can cool it off at the precinct. You can come willingly, or Deputy Ford can cuff you.”

“I didn’t fucking do anything. The fag assaulted me,” Rick looked at him annoyed.

“So handcuffing it is,” Ford already had the cuffs in his hand and it didn’t take long until a vitriol spitting Merle Dixon was dragged out with his hands behind his back. Meanwhile, Simon and Rick were somehow glaring at each other.

“You can’t keep doing shit like that, Phillips,” Rick finally said, and Simon looked offended.

“Well now Sheriff, no idea what you think happened here, but I was just defending my customers and myself. So now your official business here is done I would like to ask you to leave. You kind of bumming my patrons out,” for a while it looked like Rick wasn’t done here. He eyed up the customers, Simon, Arat, Negan and lingered a bit on the group of kids Dixon had just harassed, but none of them made a move.

“Alright, have a good night then,” he said sarcastically and walked out of the bar. Simon palmed his mustache and looked around in the crowd.

“Whoever called the cops, fuck you, seriously. Anyhow. Shows over. One round on the house, 5 dollars max, which actually just leaves what’s on the tap. So you’re welcome,” he turned to Tanya. “The kids don’t have to pay. Be extra friendly, alright?” then he looked at Negan. Negan hadn’t had the time to process what just had happened in Simon’s office and now it sort of crashed down on him. Simon had just nearly kissed him and if Arat hadn’t waltzed in he would have followed through with it, and here Negan was practically drooling. The English language didn’t have the words to describe how he felt at the moment.

“I think we should talk,” Simon said.

“I gotta go,” Negan said simultaneously. He hesitated for a second, he had heard what Simon had said and maybe this was a good idea, but then he stormed out of the bar.

“Negan,” Simon called after him, but he ignored him. Simon pulled a face. “Fuck,” he grumbled.

“The hell happened?” he looked down on Arat. He had no nerve to talk to her right now.

“I screwed up. Big time. That’s what happened.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pomegranate - 21 weeks


	10. Chapter 10

In 23 years of friendship, Negan never had the tiniest impression Simon might be interested in anything more than a completely platonic relationship and they had shared some pretty intimate moments, in close quarters, too. Sure, Simon was a touchy person, but every hug, clap on the back, pat on the knee and arm around the shoulder had never felt anything else but a playful or comforting gesture by a friend. So what the fuck happened back there two nights ago? At this point Negan was confused to an extent he could barely fathom. Simon had seemed to be rather cool about it, and he wanted to talk. To tell him what? That it meant nothing? Probably. But did it mean nothing, though? You didn’t just try to kiss someone out of the blue in an absolutely unsexy situation. Negan had to talk to someone about it, and that person couldn’t be Simon, obviously, so that’s why Negan stood in front of an elegant looking door on a Sunday morning with a bag of plain milk rolls because Negan was listening when Simon talked and apparently that was one of six foods Nova could eat without throwing up. Her dog started barking when he ringed. That mutt probably knew who was on the door, it hated him. Nova yelled at him to shut up. He never heard her raise her voice. This was a bad time. That was a bad idea. He should go. She opened the door.

“Negan, hello. What a lovely surprise,” a frown appeared between her eyebrows. “Do we have a date? If the answer is yes I am sorry, I forgot. I forget a lot of things lately. I forgot Sherry in a baby store the other day. She was my ride. I took an Uber home. Simon was so upset, he thought I got murdered.”

“Yeah, he told me that. It’s a thing actually, it’s called pregnancy dementia. And no we don’t.”

“We don’t what?”

“Have a date? You just said that,” she smirked at him. “Okay I see what you did there,” she stepped aside.

“Come on in then,” he followed her into her kitchen. “Can I offer you something to drink? Coffee, water, some bagged tea I heat up in my microwave like a savage?”

“You cannot forget this one, can you?”

“Of course not. I was shocked. I still am.”

“You drink black tea with milk. You are the savage. And a coffee would be great, thanks,” he looked around the room. This was the first time he was in her kitchen, the third time in total he was in her house. For a house that size it was almost humble, and it looked used. He always thought rich people just had kitchens because they came with the house.

“You have a very small kitchen,” Nova looked over her shoulder and laughed.

“Well, not all of us can cook away in an industrial sized one,” she turned around and put a cup in front of him. “I swear he is compensating something with it.”

“Like what?”

“You tell me,” they both had to chuckle. Then she put her hands on the counter and tilted her head a little. “So what do I owe the honor of your visit. If it is about you being our babie's godfather, Simon did not butter me up. I cannot imagine anyone better suited for the job. You will be amazing. And in the unlikely scenario, Simon and I are gone you will take care of her just fine,” Negan scratched his forehead and busied himself with a sip of coffee. He wasn’t really used to people giving him compliments, and that had been quite the compliment.

“Thanks, but I wouldn’t be so sure about that. And that is actually not why I’m here,” Nova smacked her lips.

“So it is about you and Simon and that odd you being secretly in love with him shite that puts a strain on your relationship lately?” he stared at her for a bit.

“You are not pussyfooting around, aren’t you? Shite? What, are you Irish now?” She shrugged.

“On my grandfather’s side,” she frowned at him. “I am probably not the person you should be talking to, don’t you think?” Negan sighed.

“Probably.”

“So what do you expect me to say to you?”

“I don’t know, talk me out of it? Talk me fucking into it? Gimme some of that self-help advice you put in these books of yours?” she looked at him long and hard. Then she snatched the bag that still stood in front of him out of the blue and peaked inside.

“Uh, my favorites,” she circuited the counter and sat down next to Negan who looked at her warily. He watched her pulling a roll in pieces and popping one in her mouth.

“Like a dry, slightly sweet, clumpy piece of flour, fabulous,” she looked at him. “So what is it you are so afraid of? I did not peg you as a coward,” he glared at her a little. First, she had just called him a coward, second, he very much was one and the reason was obvious, wasn’t it now?

“You can’t tell?”

“I want to hear it from you,” Negan sighed. Who would have thought to talk to her meant actually talking?

“That I’ll tell him, and he laughs me in the face or punches me in the face or shuts the door into my face and that’s fucking it. No more Simon and me,” he answered with a bitter tone. Nova scoffed.

“Like this is even an option, try again,” he looked at her confused.

“The fuck do you mean with this now?”

“Simon uprooted his life here for you. He broke up with at least 2 men because they did not like you. Every major decision he ever made was made with your involvement. You live in each other’s pockets. You two have the most profound bond I have ever seen between two people and I would kill to be connected to someone like that. So however he would react when you tell him that you fell in love with him it is certainly not by ending your friendship. And you know that. So this is not what you are truly afraid of, am I right?” she looked at him with a raised eyebrow and Negan felt the sudden urge to do what he always did in situations like that.

“I should leave,” he already got up. A surprisingly strong hand grabbed his wrist.

“You will sit the fuck down and hear me out,” he looked at her a bit dumbfounded. Did she just say fuck? He dropped back mechanically. “You are not afraid he says no, you are afraid he says yes because you screwed up the only serious relationship you ever had. I know you loved her deeply, but you could not make it work and did the only thing you know how to do, push her away by hurting her. But I have news for you, you may not want to hear. This came from both sides. You remember a very romanticized version of your marriage and you blame everything onto yourself. Yes, you cheated, and no, I do not condone that, but she pushed you away first. Even without you starting to chase every bar tail in town this marriage would have crashed and burned, spectacularly. But she got ill, and she died, and you buried yourself in self-reproaches. I do not know you before, but all I could see after were you thinking you do not deserve to be happy, that you do not deserve to have what everyone else is having, someone who loves and cares about you. And here you are, in love with your best friend too afraid to ask him if he might be interested to bring your relationship to the next level because he might say yes, and you think you will most certainly ruin everything again. And that will be the thing that will send him packing,” Negan had gotten tight-lipped. “Tell me that I am wrong, and I let you go,” she still held his wrist in a snug grip. Not that she could keep him if he really wanted to leave, but it somehow grounded him.

“You’re not,” he mumbled barely audible after what felt like 57 years in her silent kitchen. She softened a little.

“Well, I suppose that is a risk you have to take. There is a chance he hears you out and says he does not feel the same, I know. But you and he will find a way to work it out if this will happen. But there is also a chance he says he wants to try. There is never a guarantee two people work out. 12 years ago I was convinced Spencer and I are a sure thing, see how that ended. And you are surely not the only person who is scared by this or has not all the answers or generally all their shit together. I just told a man I was pining from afar for a couple of years now, you maybe can relate to that, that I would really like to pursue a romantic relationship with him while being three months pregnant with one of his best friend’s baby. And I am scared out of my wits that this will end in a catastrophe, in shambles and with everything burning, and there is a fair chance that this might happen due to many reasons. But I am also very happy. Happier than I have been in a long time because I was selfish and dumb. Love is selfish and dumb. So go to him, be selfish and dumb. Find out what will be next for you instead of obsessing about all the maybes and mights. Because what you are doing now? It is not working. And you keep this up I will guarantee you _this_ will be the reason Simon shuts the door in your face,” Negan just stared at her, the coffee forgotten. She stared right back. “What are you waiting for? Talk to him.”

“Right now?”

“No better time like the present,” she basically pulled him from the chair and down the hall. He had no choice but to follow. You didn’t want to upset the pregnant Brit. Before he knew it he was in front of her door.

“What do I say?”

“You figure something out. Now go!” with that, she closed the door in his face. She was not entirely sure if Negan would actually go through with it, but if he did she probably just helped to make a match made in heaven. At least she hoped. The truth was beside her constant insinuations she wasn’t 100 percent sold that Simon wanted more than a platonic friendship with Negan since the guy was very good in hiding his emotions. Better than Negan recently. Nova stared down on her baby belly.

“This is all your fault, you know that?” she said with a small smile.

Outside Negan proceeded to stare at the door for a couple of minutes and then he turned to his car. Inside he took his phone that he had earlier carelessly thrown in the glove compartment. Simon hadn’t tried to contact him again, probably leaving the ball in his court now. He contemplated to write him a message, but then he just dialed. It took a couple of rings for Simon to pick up. He sounded out of breath.

“Hey, hi,” Negan wanted to hang up.

“Am I interrupting something?”

“No, I’m at the new house unpacking stuff and was looking for the phone.” Simon had moved into a new house, a small one in bungalow style. There was not enough room in his apartment for a baby and although he had said she wouldn’t mind Nova was not really going with the suggestion to keep the baby in a laundry basket in the kitchen. “So about the other day,” Negan interrupted him.

“Can we please do this in person?” there was a pause on the other end of the line.

“Sure, you wanna come over here, or shall we meet up somewhere else? I’m alone at the bar this afternoon, books and stuff,” today was a rest day. The bar wasn’t the worst of ideas, a lot of booze was there.

“Is three at the bar okay?”

“It’s perfect,” Simon sounded very light. Negan didn’t know what to make of it. Maybe Simon was about to tell him that this had been no big deal for him, let’s move on.  “Oh and Negan?”

“Yeah?”

“Everything will be fine, you know that, right?”

“Yeah, okay,” let’s fucking hope so.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING in the endnotes

A couple of hours later Simon parked his pick up in its usual spot in the back alley behind the bar and looked at the door with a sigh. Negan would be here in 15 minutes and he had no real idea what to tell him. He still was convinced that Negan wasn’t really having feelings for him, no matter how much longing he put in his looks. But Simon clearly had conveyed interest in something sexual yesterday and while they easily could pretend nothing had happened (all Simon would have to do was not talking about it and change the subject to something completely different, problem solved), it was maybe time to address the issue, mostly because it was starting to eat him up. He got out of his truck. Halfway to the back entrance, he remembered that he forgot his phone in the car and turned around. Suddenly he stood face to face with Merle Dixon who glared at him loathsomely.

“Hey faggot,” was all warning Simon got. He got hit over the head with something that looked like a metal rod. The hit had been a bit off and affected him less Dixon had probably anticipated, but it was enough to send him stumbling backward. He had no time to brace himself for the second hit, against his left upper arm this time. He heard the snap of a broken bone. The pain came instantly. “Not so fucking cocky now, without your tough looking assholes behind you, aren’t ya?” Dixon threw the rod away and came closer, and all Simon could do was stand there slumped against a wall, holding his arm, and praying that he would just get the beating of his lifetime. Suddenly there was a knife in Dixon's hand. Simon watched passively how it entered somewhere under his right clavicle. It didn’t even hurt. He was surprisingly not surprised when a lot of blood ran out of the wound. Simon knew his anatomy, Dixon probably just damaged his sub-clavicle artery or vein or maybe both. Pretty smart move considering that he couldn’t even apply pressure on it now with his left arm taken out. He slowly slid down the wall, already feeling light-headed. Dixon glared down at him. “Now you gonna fucking bleed out in that alley you cocksucker, just like you deserve. No one will find ya,” he hovered for a bit before he spit on his chest and then quickly walked away taking the knife and the rod with him. Simon felt panic rising. He tried to get up, but his legs buckled. Every second his heart did its job he lost more and more blood. By now he sat in a growing puddle. His phone was in the car. Even in a slow crawl, he wouldn’t make it there. He tried to relax, to calm his racing heart down. Negan would be here any minute. He would help him. Everything would be just fine. He repeated the mantra in his head, drifting off more and more until there was nowhere to go.

~

Blood. So much blood. Simon hadn’t been moving. Negan hadn’t even been sure if he had been breathing. He barely remembered the haze that followed his horrible discovery. Somehow he or maybe someone else had called 911 and they came quickly. He had been dragged away from Simon by the small Korean officer, Rhee, or something, to give the EMTs some space. They had applied CPR. Negan knew what that meant. Rick had tried to take his statement, but Negan was in shock, unable to say anything. The Sheriff had taken mercy on him and carted him to the hospital, probably hoping he would speak up at some point. He hadn’t even bothered that he was in the same hospital, in the same ER waiting room he had been after Lucille had broken down 5 years ago. He drew a lot of attention, his white t-shirt stained in red. Simon’s blood. At some point, Dwight had shown up, manhandled him to the washroom, scrubbed his arms and face down and put him in a clean shirt. Then he had just sat with him, waiting for news. Negan had vaguely wondered if someone told Nova. Around 7 Gary had taken Dwight’s place, so Nova probably knew. He brought news. Daryl Dixon had turned his brother in who had been bragging. Daryl was an asshole, but he was a good guy who knew where to draw the line. Merle would go down for this for a very long time. What took them so long? It was already well past 11 when an exhausting looking doctor approached them. He barely registered that he talked to him until Gary nudged him.

“What?”

“I said we were able to stop the bleeding and started with blood transfusions after the EMT initially resuscitated the blood volume with lactated Ringer solution. His condition is severe but stable. He also has a proximal humerus fracture in the left arm and a concussion. The break was clean and only needs conventional treatment, stabilization, immobilization, and physiotherapy,” Negan had only understood half of the words the doctor had just said, but he somehow clang to the word stable.

“Will he be okay?” a small smile appeared on the man’s face.

“Well, Mr. Phillips is in peak physical form if I may say so and he has a good blood volume, so we expect him to recover from this without any complications. We will keep him here for a while of course, to monitor him, but we are confident that we can move him from ICU by tomorrow morning,” he checked his clipboard. “You are his medical emergency contact. Do you want to see him? He is probably not much of a company tonight, he is pretty out of it, but I always like to think that even my unconscious patients appreciate some visitors,” Negan shared a look with Gary.

“Go, just give me a call when you’re done. I pick you up, alright?”

“Thanks, man. You make sure Nova hears the good news,” Gary nodded, and Negan followed the doctor into a restricted area. Simon looked very pale and there were more tubes and sensors attached to him than Negan liked but there was also a heart monitor with a stable and loud heartbeat beep and Negan somehow relaxed for the first time in 8 hours. The doc pointed at a visitor chair when he checked Simon’s oxygen mask and something on the clipboard on his feet. He smiled at Negan.

“Take your time, we don’t really mind here. Just don’t play around on anything.”

“Thanks, Doctor…”

“Carson.”

“Thanks, Doctor Carson,” Negan said dutifully. When he learned something from his experience with Lucille then that the staff of Alexandria General was maybe exhausted and overworked, but always nice and with the best for their patients in mind. You didn’t have that everywhere. He very carefully took Simon’s hand and squeezed it gently.

“I’m so sorry. I’m not going anywhere,” he mumbled when he settled in for a lengthy stay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> physical assault/attempted murder


	12. Chapter 12

It took Negan only three hours to work up the courage to enter the hospital again. The last time Simon had been in here, the one time when the word cancer had hung over the man like a Damocles sword, Negan had only made it to the parking lot. But that had been only seven months after Lucille’s death, and anyway, this time was different. Simon had a private room, most certainly courtesy of Nova, not that anyone would fight her on this one, and Negan knocked on the door a little hesitantly. When no one answered he opened it. For a second he felt a surge of sheer panic when his eyes fell on the empty bed, but then the door of the little adjacent bathroom was opened, and Simon walked out, pale, a little wobbly, with some sort of brace around his shoulder, in sweatpants and a loose shirt, wheeling a drip stand in front of him, but on his own two feet. When he saw Negan his face lit up.

“You came,” he said when he slowly sat on the bed and Negan suddenly hurried to help him lay down. He coddled him, and he was hovering, and usually, Simon would call him out for doing so, but this time he just let it happen. Negan even tucked him in a little. Simon only smiled at that.

“Why wouldn’t I?” Simon settled in, clearly in pain, not that he would say that out loud until he found a position that seemed to hurt less since his face relaxed. He closed his eyes.

“It’s a hospital. I know how you feel about hospitals,” fair enough.

“Well, I seem to step a lot out of my comfort zone lately. Sorry that I wasn’t there yesterday,” he mumbled. Simon opened his eyes and turned to Negan.

“Seriously? You sat on my bed the whole first night. Gary told me he had to drag you away from it. You don’t have to apologize. Besides, wasn’t really in the mood to see anyone yesterday anyway. Even kicked Nova out,” Negan looked around in the room, unsure what to say. He had a lot of things he wanted to say to Simon, some of them he had rehearsed the whole night, but now none of it wanted to come out of his mouth. So he did small talk instead.

“I didn’t know you even own sweatpants,” he huffed. Simon chuckled and then groaned a little.

“These are the kind of secrets that make me so mysterious. Honestly? I don’t. But my house looks like a bomb went off and Gary and Nova didn’t find anything despite cutlery, my books, and shoes in these boxes. Man, I have so many shoes. So she simply bought me a brand-new hospital wardrobe. I am relieved she didn’t buy me a robe, and I don’t know how I feel about the fact that she knows my boxer short size,” he chuckled again and groaned again. Negan frowned at him.

“Don’t they give you pain relief?” Simon took a couple of breaths.

“Well, they offered morphine, but you know me,” Negan couldn’t help it, he got angry at Simon.

“So you rather lay here in pain than for once take some drugs? Are you fucking shitting me?” Simon blinked at him amused. The fucker had the audacity to find this funny.

“Relax, it’s just because I stood up, give it a minute or two. I took some Ibuprofen. It’s actually not so bad.”

“Not bad? Not bad?” Negan nearly yelled. Simon seemed surprised. “You tell me to fucking relax? You’ve been stabbed! You nearly died! You actually were dead for three minutes there and now you just shake it off like this is nothing?” he stood up from the chair he was sitting in and paced to the window. His fist opened and closed a couple of times with enough tension to let his veins appear. Simon stayed quiet for a while.

“Negan,” he finally said softly. The man in question made a point by ignoring him. “Come on Negan, come here,” Negan sighed, turned around and walked back to the visitor chair. He didn’t have it in him to look in Simon’s face though. To his surprise, Simon grabbed his hand. “Look at me,” he ordered gently, but insistently so Negan did. “I know this scared the shit out of you. I was scared, too. I know that much, although I barely remember anything. I can imagine what you were going through. I would feel the same when the places would be reversed. But I didn’t die, okay? I am right here. I am fine, and this is not just me shrugging it off. As far as stab wounds go this one’s gonna heal just fine. Sure, it hurts at the moment, but this is because some of my ribs took some damage, too. I barely feel the arm. I am not laying here in agony. It was the blood loss that nearly got me, but they patched me up, gave me transfusions, some iron supplement,” he made a head jerk to the drop. “In a couple of days I can get out of here, and in a couple of weeks I’m as good as new, okay?” Negan nodded tersely, and Simon squeezed his hand a little before he let go. Negan could have hold that hand forever. “The only thing I will keep from this is an ugly scar. Seriously, I am practically disfigured now. No man will gonna marry me,” he said with a smirk in his voice, clearly joking. Negan swallowed hard.

“I would,” he said in an incredibly awkward tone. The sudden tension was so thick and palpable Negan wanted to take it and strangle himself with it just to get out of the situation. Simon looked at him with huge eyes and an otherwise unreadable face.

“Don’t say shit like that,” he nearly whispered. Negan swallowed again.

“Why not? It’s true,” Simon pressed his lips together. He looked angry now, and he got watery eyes. Negan was mostly confused.

“I swear, don’t say it,” he nearly snarled.

“But…”

“Don’t say shit like that when you don’t mean it,” Simon pressed out. He tried to scoot away as far as possible, but Negan wouldn't let him. He grabbed his hand.

“Why do you think I wouldn’t mean it, huh?” Simon tried to free his hand and under other circumstances, he would have succeeded, but today he was too weak. Negan felt a bit bad that he manhandled him like that, but he was on a mission now.

“You just say that, because, I don’t know. Because I nearly died, and you think you owe me, or something, to make me feel better because I tried to kiss you. You don’t mean it,” Simon sounded confused, angry, frustrated, all in once and something in Negan’s brain made finally klick. Simon loved him back. He let go of him and changed position now. He sat on the bed, careful not to jostle him even more, facing him and took now his hand in his. Simon stared down at them. He wasn’t fighting him anymore.

“I mean it,” he took a breath. Here it comes. “I love you,” Simon looked up. “I am _in love_ with you. Am for nearly four years now. You are the first thing in the morning I think about and the last before I fall asleep. You are the only person that can always cheer me up, the only person I am always happy to see no matter how bad in a mood I am. I wanna spend all my time with you, for the rest of all times. I wanna spoil you, do nice things for you, do all the little things with you, you always tell me you wanna do when you find the right man to do them with. _I_ wanna be that man. I wanna brag with you, show you around, tell everyone how smart and handsome and funny and perfect you are. I wanna touch you, kiss you, cuddle with you on the couch, sleep in on weekends, do the whole thing from making love to you to fucking your brains out. I want you to call me out on my bullshit, fight me on my shitty opinions, tell me what an asshole I am, and when we are done fighting I wanna have makeup sex with you. I want to be there when you raise that little girl, right in the front line, having your back all along the way. And I wanted all of that for a long time now. I was just too coward to tell you, too afraid you might don’t want any of this and that you leave me standing in the rain like that is even an option, or that I will screw this up like I screwed up my marriage. I wanted to tell you all that two days ago, but I probably would have chickened out again, so you have one thing right, I nearly had to lose you to man up and tell you that, but that doesn’t make any of this less true, less real. I love you,” Simon stared at him with wide eyes. There were a lot of emotions in his face Negan had never really seen on him, but one was clearly to identify, hope.

“Really?” he said after a while with an incredible small voice.

“Yes, I love you,” he wanted to touch him, but he wasn’t sure if Simon would let him.

“I,” he sighed heavily. “Why didn’t you tell me that sooner?” now Negan got a little bold, but fuck it.

“Why didn’t you?” he asked softly. Simon’s eyes dropped to his lap, he withdrew his hand out of Negan’s and he started fidgeting with the tube of his I.V. drop. He looked so flustered now it was beyond cute.

“I don’t know,” he managed to say, his voice still very soft. “It was just… every time you had a serious relationship it was with a woman. I always thought you just fool around with men for fun. I didn’t just want that. And you never made a pass on me, so I thought you weren’t interested. And that’s a fair argument because you usually don’t hold back on things like that. So I just settled in the fact that this will never happen, I guess. I made my peace with it. Just friends were enough for me,” he shrugged a little, which led to another pained groan.

“Seriously, I will get a nurse in here and she will give you a fucking morphine drip,” Negan growled.

“It’s fine,” Simon sighed and looked into Negan’s eyes. “So what now?” in Negan’s face appeared a little grin.

“Well, you could start by saying that you love me, too.”

“Is that so? You need to hear it, huh?”

“Yeah, I like the attention,” Simon huffed a soft laugh and looked at him fondly. It was the look Negan had hoped would address him someday. The same one he had when he looked on Nova’s baby belly or on the ultrasound pictures, the same one he had when he talked about his parents, his nieces or his sister, it was a look full of love and he didn’t have to say it out loud for Negan to believe it.

“I love you,” Simon said, and Negan couldn’t wait any longer, he kissed him. As far as kisses went this one was very chaste. Negan tried not to touch any part of Simon’s body that might hurt, which in Negan’s opinion had to be basically every part except his face. But as far as first kisses went this one was perfect because it was Simon he was kissing. Simon who tilted his head now a little to give him better access and deepened the kiss with a soft moan. His hand found Negan’s head and blunt fingernails swiped gently over his nape. He pulled away after a while and looked at Negan like he saw him for the first time. He studied the other man’s face with a soft smile all while he let his thump run along his jawline. “I love you,” he repeated seriously, and Negan felt his heart swell enough he was probably lucky he was in a hospital already.

“Yeah?” he gave Simon another peck. “I love you, too,” he peppered Simon’s jaw with a couple of kisses and rubbed his cheek on Simon’s stubble before he let his forehead drop on Simon’s right shoulder and sighed content. They sat there like this for some time all while Simon nearly absently let his fingers run through Negan’s hair.

“That’s better than morphine,” Simon said after a while. “And that was a hell of a speech you gave there. I’m not sure you can top that with your wedding vows,” Negan chuckled against Simon’s shoulder and looked up.

“For the record that wasn’t a real proposal,” Simon tilted his head a little with that amused frown he always wore when he was in good mood and joked around. It was good to see him being his old self again.

“What? But I already picked up a dress, like nine years ago.”

“You really think you can pull off white?”

“You would be surprised,” with that Negan lent in for another kiss. He could do that all day. Someone was clearing their throat, and Negan would recognize that school principle like harrumph anywhere and he leaned back. Simon and he both turned to the door. Negan had to groan. Nova and Gary looked at the two men with faces in various stages of smug. Nova, who was either incredible overdressed in her clearly tailored maternity dress like she thought she was carrying the royal baby, or Gary and Negan were unbelievably underdressed, was the one who talked.

“Well, I think I speak for both of us when I say this is not a surprise at all. Good to see you are doing better Simon,” Simon shared a look with Negan.

“Hey, uhm, it’s nice and all that you came here to visit me, but Negan and I are kind of in the middle of something, so, can you just leave again? Like now?” Nova wasn’t missing a beat.

“Of course,” she said. “I will just leave this here,” she walked over quickly and placed a paper bag from a vegan bakery Negan knew Simon visited frequently on the little table. She looked down on the two with a cute scrunch around her nose and then she pressed a little kiss in Simon’s hair and to Negan’s surprise another one his cheek. “About time you bloody idiots,” she mumbled and then turned around elegantly and tottered away with open arms ready to take Gary with her. She stopped in the door and turned around again.

“One thing. Very quick. Eight years of relentless teasing about the stereotypy of my books and yet here we are literally in front of a living, breathing “two people confess their love for each other after one of them nearly died cliché”. I promise you something lads, you will never hear the last of it. On that note, pip, pip,” she winked and walked out closing the door. Simon chuckled while Negan palmed his face.

“Pip, pip?”

“It’s a brit thing,” Simon answered.

“Yeah so we were able to keep that for ourselves for all of seven minutes,” Negan said dryly.

“At least she didn’t run into us having sex.”

“Fair point,” Simon tucked his bottom lip.

“You don’t wanna keep it for yourself, do you?” Simon was a very physical person and huge on PDA, Negan knew that. It had annoyed him more than once, but then he hadn’t been on the receiving end of all that affection.

“A little late for that considering Gary was with her, but I think I said something about bragging with you. I am gonna shout this from the fucking rooftops.”

“Good,” Simon settled back into his pillow. “You wanna stay a bit?”

“Simon, I wanna stay forever.”


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> smut's a-waiting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the midway POV change, but the dynamics changed so the POV had to change, although why am I apologizing, I do this all the time :)

Simon pushed the door open, walked in with a bounce in his steps, stopped in the middle of the guest room and announced to the two only people present

“Guess who just got cleared for all kinds of sexual activity?” Gary sighed into his daily free meal while Arat just kept refilling the napkin dispensers.

“Yeah we don’t really need to know this,” Gary said. Simon already was behind the counter to pick up last night’s profits and bring them to the bank. He had no ear for Gary’s remark.

“You know what that means, my dearest friends? I will be out this weekend, because Negan and I will be busy doing the dirty, peeling each other’s banana, hiding the bishop.”

“And he keeps talking,” Gary mumbled into his bowl. Arat just chuckled.

“Pondering the unicorn, riding the bone train.”

“Peeling each other’s banana? Really?”

“I am talking sex, Gary, lots and lots of sex. So much sex.”

“Yeah I actually got that from sexual activity already,” Simon grinned at him. Then he turned to Arat.

“So if anybody needs anything? Shove it up your ass. I will only be available if someone’s dead, that bar is on fire or someone’s burning to death inside that bar. Anything else you have to handle all by yourself. And of course when something’s up with Nova,” he said to Gary.

“You got it,” the other man just said.

“Should I check on you two? See if you don’t screw each other dead? You ain’t exactly teenagers anymore,” Arat suggested. Simon looked at her mock offended.

“My, my Arat. That’s hurtful. I like to consider myself in my sexual prime. But when I don’t show up on Monday give me a call,” he grabbed the purse and weighed it in his hand. With a frown, he looked inside. “Holy shit, how much is that?”

“7324 dollar and 66 cents,” Simon whistled. They usually made at least 15 percent less on average. Arat shrugged. “Big NFL game lost last night, and finals at college are over. Lot’s of people just trying to get shitfaced ordering the expensive shit,” he looked at her with a raised eyebrow.

“Don’t sell yourself short. You run the place good. I should stop coming in altogether and leave it up to you to make me rich.”

“Or you could just gimme a raise?”

“Let’s get not ahead of ourselves,” he grinned and Arat rolled her eyes. It wasn’t that he paid her badly, and she wasn’t aware of it yet, but he was planning to give her and his kitchen staff a whopping bonus for Christmas. “On that note, I’m heading out and let my super hot boyfriend do unspeakable things to me.”

“Oh you spoke ‘em out alright,” Gary deadpanned. Simon just flipped him off with a grin and walked out of the bar. He had a couple of errands to run, but then he would indeed head home. Home to Negan. He was still getting giddy just to think that. When he finally got out of the hospital after six days of sheer boredom and more crappy network TV he ever watched he came to a house that was perfectly furnished and organized, courtesy of Sherry, Dwight, and Nova. Negan practically moved in with him already, not that Simon minded, and pampered him relentlessly. The first two weeks this had been even necessary. Simon had been still pretty out of it, he slept most of the day and felt dizzy and tired all the time. Now, after nearly six weeks he felt a lot better, although he still had fits of dizziness and even small tasks tired him out. That’s why he wasn’t climbing in his Dodge right now, but next to Nova in her sleek, black BMW. She had driven him to his doctor, now she would drive him to the bank and to his insurance guy and after that, she would drive him home where hopefully Negan would be waiting for him.

“Gary’s inside,” he informed her, and she looked over to the bar, obviously contemplating to go in and say hello. She started the car instead.

“Nah, I see him later that evening,” she pulled the car onto the street. “So, you think one little note from your Dr. Carson is enough for Negan to stop his chaste Florence Nightingale act?” with his strength Simon’s libido came back and he made some passes on Negan. At the beginning that even led to somewhat steamy making out, but then Negan jostled Simon’s arm a little too much and Simon winced a little too loud and that was it, Negan was instantly asexual. Sure, Simon enjoyed the cuddling, the kisses, the massages and lazy evenings together on the couch, but sleeping next to Negan every night without getting his hands on him had been a sweet torture.

“I fucking hope so, if not I might consider date rape,” he mumbled. He might have exaggerated the amount of sex he was about to have this weekend, he wasn’t up to “lots and lots of sex”, not yet, but he was hellbent on getting some. Negan couldn’t treat him like an invalid for the rest of their lives, could he now? The doc had raised an eyebrow in amusement, but he had written down straight-faced a note to Negan saying that Mr. Phillips was perfectly cleared to engage in sexual intercourse. They split up to get his errands done. She deposited the money, while he picked up the invoice for his hospital stay (and he was more than happy that Nova would pay it, because holy shit, no wonder people got broke over stuff like that, and his insurance already covered 80 percent). Later she pulled into his driveway next to Negan’s car.

“Alright, here we are. Good luck,” she grinned. Simon scoffed at her and unbuckled his seatbelt.  

“I will probably need it.”

“Just take your shirt off. Works every time for me,” she called after him. “You go, girl!”

“Thanks, bro,” he called back with a grin. The door was unlocked, and Simon was hit by the smell of a homecooked meal when he entered the house. “Honey, I’m home,” Negan stepped out of the kitchen immediately. He didn’t look happy.

“Where have you been?” he asked inquiringly. He didn’t even wait for Simon to answer the question. “Did you drive? I swear when you drove,” Simon stopped him with a soft kiss. Negan melted against his lips.

“Relax, didn’t you see my car blocking half the neighborhood? Nova chauffeured me around,” he said with a smile. “And you know where I have been. You know my schedule better than me,” Negan sighed.

“Yeah, but you should have been home 20 fucking minutes ago. I just worry,” he actually pouted.

“I know,” he kissed him again. “I know,” and gently guided him into the living room. “Don’t,” Negan’s back of his knees hit the couch and he dropped down on it. Simon straddled him.

“Simon we’ve been over this,” Negan mumbled, but allowed Simon to take his mouth in a deep kiss. Simon’s tongue gently explored the seam of Negan’s lips until he opened them a little, permitting it to enter just to chase it back into Simon’s mouth with his own. He moaned a little disappointed when he pulled back. “Simon I,” the other man interrupted him.

“Well, you don’t believe me take it from a medical professional,” with that he pulled the note out of his back pocket and held it in Negan’s face. While he read it Simon got a little more comfortable on Negan’s legs and looked at him somehow smug. A mix between amusement and skepticism appeared on Negan’s face.

“The fuck did you tell the doc that he wrote this?” Simon shrugged.

“That you worry too much. And he believed me. If I recall correctly he called you a proper mother hen,” Negan chuckled and let his head fell on the back of the couch. He looked up at Simon with a sad smile.

“I just don’t want to hurt you.”

“You won’t, I promise,” a frowning Negan studied Simon’s face.

“And you really think you’re up to this?” Simon rolled his eyes a little.

“How about that. If I feel in any way uncomfortable or hurt or dizzy or I don’t know when I suddenly got the feeling I will actually break like the fragile thing you made me the past few weeks I just say a word, hm? But until then I really, really want you to take me to _our_ bedroom and finally get that dick you’re hiding from me up my ass,” Negan suddenly surged forward and caught Simon’s lips in a searing kiss, practically forcing his tongue in his mouth. Simon made a surprised sound but surrendered immediately. He would have fallen backward from Negan’s legs, but the other man had grabbed him by the hips and pulled him into his lap. One of his hands grabbed Negan’s nape, pulling him closer while the other sought leverage on the back of the couch. Meanwhile, Negan’s hands had started to explore Simon’s broad back and were now sneaking under his shirt in a quest to struck skin. The younger man tentatively pushed his ass onto the growing bulge in Negan’s jeans and leaned back a little.

“That’s more like it, babe. Now you gonna fuck me or what?” he said with a smirk. He gave Negan a little peck and peppered his jaw with butterfly kisses. Negan had to chuckle, Simon was more tickling him than anything else. He grasped Simon by the hips and with surprising strength somehow flipped them both around, mindful enough not to throw Simon on the couch, but lowering him rather cautiously. Then he made himself comfortable between Simon’s legs and pressed their groins together which elicit a groan from both their throats.

“You got quite the mouth there, not that I’m surprised,” he said against Simon’s pulse point. “And I fucking love to hear when you call me babe. But you know what I will love to hear even more?” he kissed his way down Simon’s throat and pulled down the collar of his shirt a little to expose some skin.

“What?” Simon could press out before I moan cut him off. Negan had started to suck on the sensitive skin on his collarbone. It shouldn’t feel so good, but it had been a while. Going by this rate Negan would have him on edge in no time. Negan rather suddenly stopped, pulled away and pushed himself up bracketing Simon’s head with his arms. He looked down on him smugly.

“You fucking screaming my name when I destroy your ass,” he nearly deadpanned.

“Big words,” Simon countered equally serious. “Let’s see if you can live up to the legend,” Negan raised an eyebrow.

“Oh, so you heard the stories?”

“Yep, all of them, mostly from you,” Negan chuckled and bowed down to give Simon another kiss that lacked the urgency from before. To Simon’s immense disappointment he suddenly jumped up.

“Let’s move this to the bedroom, shall we? Go ahead, I’ll be right there. Just have to make sure that our dinner doesn’t burn to charcoal just because someone's needy as fuck” with that he walked into the kitchen with an amused chuckle leaving Simon laying on the couch. He got up slowly and made the short trip to the bedroom where he was greeted by Negan’s cat looking at him reproachfully that he had the boldness to interrupt him mid-cleaning.

“Sorry, buddy. You have to lick your balls somewhere else, your daddy is about to lick mine and you don’t wanna see this,” he shushed him away and dropped on the bed waiting patiently for Negan’s arrival. As an afterthought, he remembered Nova’s smart advice, grabbed the back collar of his shirt and pulled it over his head.

“Now, lookie here. Don’t stop on my account,” Negan leaned nonchalantly in the frame of the door with crossed arms and a very pleased smile. He drunk in the sight of Simon’s naked torso. He maybe lost a bit bulge there the last weeks slacking around on the couch, but he was still trim and ripped. You could tell by the look on Simon’s face that he could tell that Negan liked what he saw. He kicked off his boots and made a show of opening his belt buckle, all while Negan looked at him with hungry eyes.

“You coming?” that sent Negan in motion. He was over Simon in a heartbeat who just let himself fell back on the bed and instantly pulled Negan down on him. They shared a kiss that was urgent and sloppy, more teeth and tongue than anything else. Simon tugged a bit on Negan’s shirt and he compliantly pulled it over his head just to go back to the price immediately. This was what Negan had dreamt about for years, Simon under him, kissing him, touching him, tasting his skin, getting high on his scent, and the thought alone that he finally was able to have Simon like that made him moan. His eyes fell on the scar under Simon’s right collarbone, angry and red, and he bent down to kiss it. His tongue traced the pale edges and a heavy sigh escaped his mouth when the thought crossed his mind that the scar would be a permanent reminder that he nearly lost Simon.

“Don’t think about it,” Simon said softly from above like he could read his mind. Negan looked up into these dark brown eyes that looked back with love and want.

“You’re right,” he gave him a small peck. “I think it’s about damn time to go to town properly. Just lay back hot stuff. I’ll take good care of you,” Simon chuckled and dropped back on his pillow. Negan resumed to kiss and nibble his way along Simon’s throat. He took his time sucking a mark onto his neck which Simon allowed with a little squirm and another chuckle, although it probably would mean relentless teasing from his crew on Monday. It wasn’t the first hickey Negan gave him and it wouldn’t be the last. Negan placed kitten licks down Simon’s collarbone. When he took one of Simon’s nipples in his mouth the younger man made a sound between a sigh and a moan and one of his hands found Negan’s head. He ran his fingers through the short hair on Negan’s neck.

“You like that, huh?”

“Just keep doing this,” Simon breathed out. Negan made a little shrug. Simon’s wish was his command. He nibbled a bit on the erect nub before he circled it teasingly with the tip of his tongue and put it between his lips to give it a thorough suck. When he pulled away it was so hard you could practically cut glass with it. Negan looked down on his handiwork satisfied, gave it a little twirl with his thumb and index finger and turned his attention to the other one to repeat the spiel. Simon seemed to enjoy himself quite rigorously and Negan filed that particular sweet spot away for future references.

“Now let’s see what’ya packing, Mr. Phillips,” Negan drawled with a grin, already pulling down Simon’s jeans who dutifully lifted his hips to help him take them off. Simon’s boxer short bulged ominously and Negan’s mouth watered. Of course he knew that Simon was seriously armed down there, he had seen him naked a couple of times after all and even in its then unaroused state it had been quite impressive (and a little envy-inducing) but now up close and in its full glory Negan wasn’t so sure anymore if allowing Simon one day to do the honor and be the first one sticking his dick in his ass was a good idea. But they would cross that bridge when they would come to it. He freed the hard length from its confines and just stared down on it for a while, for science. Simon was maybe not wider than him, but definitely longer and his dick was nicely curved and lay now heavy on Simon’s flat stomach. The dark mushroom head was leaking precum already. Negan raised an eyebrow and made rather businesslike eye contact with Simon who looked down on him with hooded eyes.

“That’s a fucking thing of beauty. You could make a lot of money with it. The whole package,” he let the tips of two fingers gently ghost over the silky soft skin and chuckled appreciatingly when it twitched.

“Thanks?” Simon said softly.  

“But so you know? A career in adult entertainment is out of the fucking picture now, I’m not sharing,” Simon huffed a laugh.

“Duly noted,” he groaned when Negan, a little tentatively, took it in one hand and gave it an experimental stroke and then another. Simon’s head dropped back, and his eyes fluttered shut and a low moan escaped his mouth. Negan wasn’t an asshole, not today, but a little teasing was in order, so he stopped his ministrations in favor of letting his thumb sweep over the head and the slit to collect some precum. He made sure to wait doing nothing until he had Simon’s undivided attention again and licked his finger clean. Who would have thought Simon’s pupils could blow even more?

“That’s kinda gross, but it’s also really hot,” Simon stated and Negan had to laugh. Then he smacked his tongue.

“Not exactly something I would use to top off my burger, but I can work with that,” he made himself a bit more comfortable between Simon’s legs. “FYI, I’m maybe not good at this. I just did it two times, and I was drunk both of them,” with that he took the tip of his dick in his mouth. Remembering some of the more enjoyable blowjobs of his life they all had a common theme, enthusiasm, so Negan put all of his commitment to the task. He sucked it in and swirled his tongue first over the head and then along the rim. Then he got a little more adventurous. Mindful of his teeth he took as much as he felt comfortable in his mouth. He took a deep breath and started to move his head up and down, sliding along Simons' shaft in a smooth and steady rhythm with his tongue gliding along the veiny underside. He looked up to Simon who was breathing heavily and judging by the fact how he clutched the sheet right now he either had a hard time not to take Negan’s head and press it down even more or buck his hips up relentlessly. Negan had to chuckle, and the sensation coaxed another loud moan out of Simon and made him arch his back a little.

“You’re a fucking liar, you’re good at this,” he mumbled between moans, and man wasn’t that a nice way to pamper a guy's ego? Encouraged by the words Negan’s speeded the pace a bit up. He stroked the part of Simon’s dick he couldn’t reach with one hand while the other searched and found Simon’s balls. Negan supposed it was safe to assume that just going with all the stuff he liked was a solid method to get Simon off, so he rolled them gently and squeezed a little. His fingers made a short trip to the perineum that he rubbed softly for a while until he moved them up. He circled Simon’s puckering hole teasingly before he abruptly retreated his hands, let Simon’s dick slide out of his mouth slowly and pulled the tip out with a rather loud pop.

“Let’s see how deep I can take that big boy down my throat,” he pronounced cheerfully.

“Are you sure ab…” Simon got cut off by a rather loud moan when Negan took him back in as far as he could, sucking him in with hollow cheeks. The tip hit his throat, threatening to make him gag so he pulled away a bit just to give it a second try. This time he managed to get him in a little deeper without triggering his gag reflex, although he wasn’t able to take in all, baby steps, and Simon liked it. He had been rather quiet the whole time, all soft moans and gasp, but now a string of curses and muttered words came out of his mouth. Negan hummed around Simon’s shaft and the other man somehow managed to bring out a coherent half-sentence.

“Close…I’m close…oh fuck,” Negan took the warning rather seriously. That was the super bowl and he was just in the playoffs yet. He pulled away in favor to pump Simon to completion. One final stroke with his thumb over the sensitive head seemed to do the trick. Negan couldn’t decide where to look, in Simon’s blissed-out face or onto his pulsating dick that shot three loads of cum over his abs and chest. He softly licked the head clean after Simon was done and gently placed the softening dick on his stomach. Simon still tried to catch his breath.

“Well, that’s a sight a can get fucking used to,” Negan mumbled. It had never been even a consideration before, but more on a whim than anything else he leaned down and started to clean Simon from his own cum, thoroughly. Simon seemed startled at first, one hand flew to Negan’s head in a half-assed attempt to stop him, but then he just sighed and watched him through heavy lashes licking his torso clean all the way up to his face again. Negan grinned at him. He knew that Simon wasn’t the biggest fan of cum-shared kisses, so he made a point of not licking his lips clean when he crushed theirs together. Simon just went with it. He let Negan take dominance over the kiss, all soft and pliant now. While Negan was exploring the uncharted territory that was the hard palate of Simon’s mouth the other man fumbled blindly with Negan’s belt buckle until he got it open.

“You want me to,” Simon trailed off and looked down. Negan’s dick had already found its way out of Negan’s pants and was now peeking cheekily over the hem of his boxer briefs.

“Depends,” Negan said between open-mouthed kisses against Simon’s ear. “You still want me to fuck you better not. But when you changed your mind, by all means, baby, fucking go for it,” Simon looked at him contemplating for a second with his bottom lip tucked between his teeth, then he gave him a peck on the tip of his nose and simple rolled on his stomach as an answer, making himself comfortable on his arms.

“You don’t need to be super careful, that ain’t exactly my first time,” he said into the pillow he was hugging. Negan tsked.

“Like I said, needy as fuck, hm?” he pressed a kiss on Simon’s shoulder blade and rummaged around in a drawer of the nightstand. A bottle of lube and a condom landed on the pillow next to Simon and he glanced at it.

“You don’t need the condom,” he said. Negan raised an eyebrow.

“You sure? Thought you might despise the mess,” Simon scoffed.

“You just licked up my jizz. We are way past caring about messes. I didn’t make you take that test for shits and giggles or for the thrill of it. Been too long I felt someone all the way. I wanna feel you, I need you,” that was the single most sexy thing Negan had heard in a very long time and a possessive growl escaped his mouth. He grabbed the lube, climbed between Simon’s legs and somehow kicked them a bit wider open with his knees. He gave the body under him one last appreciating lock before he grabbed the round globes of Simon’s ass and pulled them apart. He maybe hadn’t that many male lovers and mostly it had been rushed and without a lot of foreplay, but he did his research. For the second time today Simon stirred up startled when Negan without hesitation licked a broad stripe with his tongue from Simon’s perineum along his crack right to his tight hole. He settled down again and Negan let do his thing. Negan nipped, licked and teased the sensitive rim with his tongue, occasionally dipping in, a little deeper every time, shortly reducing Simon into a gasping and shivering puddle of boneless goo. When he pulled back he looked down on the hole that was puffy, wet and relaxed.

“Alright,” he said mostly to himself. He kicked his jeans and boxer shorts off, grabbed the lube and coated his fingers with a generous amount. He rubbed them together to warm it up. One finger slid in so easily that he didn’t hold back and added a second rather quickly. First, he just moved them in and out, after a while he got more eager and began to stretch Simon for real. He bent and circled them, and if he remembered correctly the little bundle of nerves had to be somewhere. Simon jolted up with a cry that sounded both, pained and pleasured. Negan chuckled and rubbed against the smooth gland a couple more times till Simon couldn’t take it anymore.

“Stop, it’s too much,” he pressed out and Negan retreated immediately.

“Sorry, you okay?”

“Yeah, it’s just too much right now. Go one. Just take a step back from the prostate milking,” he gave him a Simon patented thumbs-up smile and Negan rolled his eyes but did what he was told. A third finger followed the second after a while and by the end, Simon was nearly fucking himself on Negan’s hand.

“You need a fourth?” Negan asked him softly and for a second he thought the question hadn’t registered, but then Simon shook his head.

“No, it’s fine. Come on, get in there, preferable dick first,” Negan huffed a laugh. He toyed with the idea to take Simon like this, on his stomach with his ass in the air, but he wanted to see his face.  

“Turn around,” he ordered. It gave him a kick that Simon just complied without any protest or hesitation. He gave him a little look, though, when Negan insisted to put a pillow under Simons lower back. He could shove it up his ass right next to his cock, Simon’s comfort was his biggest concern here. Negan coated his dick generously with lube, lined up the tip and slowly pushed in. They both groaned in unison to the sensation. Negan moved slowly to give Simon time to adjust, but by the time he bottomed out, he already panted heavily.

“Fuck you’re tight. How are you so fucking tight?” Simon’s eye flipped open.

“Did you just backhandedly slut-shamed me?” Negan repeated his last words in his head and bit his bottom lip.

“Maybe a little, unintentionally,” Simon just scoffed and pulled him down for a kiss by his nape.

“Asshole, now move,” this sounded like an order. Who was Negan to defy? He pulled out almost completely and pushed right back in. As alluring the idea was to just slam into Simon mercilessly, showing him who was the boss here, actually destroying his ass like he had promised, Negan was mindful of Simon’s still on the mend body, so the pace he established was not as fast as he could and the thrusts not as hard and forceful, but it didn’t make it less intense. Simon’s face was true porn, his mouth, swollen from the kisses they shared and him gnawing on his bottom lip, was open, while his eyes were pressed shut, and a little frown had taken residence between his brows.

Negan pushed Simon’s legs up a little more to change the angle of his intrusion. Now he occasionally brushed over Simon’s sweet spot. Every time he did Simon moaned loudly and clenched down on him hard and Negan was painfully aware that this wouldn’t last as long as he hoped. That’s why one large hand wrapped around Simon’s hard again and leaking dick and stroked it in unison with his thrusts.

“Oh please, tell me you’re close,” he groaned in Simon’s ear. The younger man wasn’t answering at first.

“Yeah, oh fuck,” two particularly well-aimed thrusts made him forget English for a moment. “I’m close, so close,” well that was good to hear. Negan increased his efforts. A couple of deep pushes where Negan made sure to hit his prostate sent Simon over the edge again. He cried out Negan’s name and like this was his cue his orgasm crashed into him as well. They rode it out together, Simon moaning to the sensation of hot seed spreading inside of him, Negan to Simon spasm hard around his cock. Negan had enough sense left to not simply collapse on Simon, but let himself drop to the side. They lay next to each other for a while trying to catch their breaths and to come down from the high. Negan scooted closer and gave Simon a deep and loving kiss.

“You good?” he asked him softly. Simon chuckled.

“If I am good? I am more than good. I’m fantastic,” Negan smiled down on him.

“Good to hear,” Simon looked utterly blissed out, but also like he would fall asleep any moment now. Negan pressed a kiss on one of his pecs. “Be right back,” with that he got up and walked out of the room. Simon was indeed half asleep when he was back, with a wet washcloth and a towel. He made some half-protesting sounds when Negan cleaned him up and felt completely boneless when he dragged him unceremoniously away from the wet spot. Negan snuggled up behind him. Since Simon was a bit taller he usually was the big spoon and Negan had to admit it felt a bit awkward, but he didn’t care. He pulled the comforter over them.

“Come on big boy, you need a little nap. After that we get some grub in you and then we talk about what you gonna do about the fact that you owe me an orgasm now,” Simon wasn’t answering and Negan wondered if he already was asleep.

“You know I can deepthroat you for real,” he said in a sleepy voice. Negan groaned, that man would be the death of him someday.

A couple of hours later Simon proved that indeed, he could.


	14. Chapter 14

Simon sat on the couch with his MacBook on his legs and frowned on the spreadsheet in front of him. He gnawed on the end of a pencil. Negan plopped down next to him, invading his space by pressing himself against him.

“What’ya doing?”

“Same I did when you asked me that 20 minutes ago,” he said in a distracted voice without looking at him. Negan sighed dramatically. He demanding attention wasn’t exactly new behavior from Negan and Simon had become a champion in ignoring him over the years, although he had to admit that now that sex was an option to keep Negan occupied this was significantly harder.

“Is this really that fucking important?” Negan asked with a little whine in his voice. Now Simon turned to him.

“When I don’t want to go to jail one day for tax evasion, then yeah, it is,” Negan actually pouted at him and Simon gave him a little peck on the lips. “Is there a chance that you can entertain yourself for the next 45 minutes, an hour tops? Then I am all yours,” he smiled and kissed him again. Negan hadn’t given up yet.

“Well, I already entertained myself the past 20 minutes when I took that shower you were so charming to point out I needed,” Negan said conversationally. “It was a very thorough shower. Very detail oriented, too,” Simon pretended he wasn’t listening. “And maybe I got a little ahead of myself there, you know, got a little adventurous,” at this point Simon couldn’t kid anybody anymore that he actually balanced his books here. “I am no stranger to sticking my finger up my ass, but I have to say two or three was a first,” Simon shut his computer and carelessly threw it on the other end of the couch. Before Negan knew it he had him pinned on the couch. He grinned up at him. The other man looked down with lust-blown pupils.

“Are you suggesting what I think you are suggesting?” Negan wiggled to get some friction, but Simon denied him any dick to dick contact.

“And I don’t think I’m being fucking subtle about it,” Simon surged forward and crashed their lips together. Negan for once didn’t fight him for control and submitted into the kiss with a little sigh. This was what all of this was about, after all, giving up control, wasn’t it? Negan was relieved that Simon so easily went for it without trying to drag him into another conversation about that he wanted to try to bottom. This would have only led to Negan starting to second guess the decision as well. Truth was yes, he was a bit nervous, hadn’t been nervous about trying something new in the bedroom department for a long time now, but he trusted Simon. He would trip over himself to make it good for Negan. And anyway, judging how much Simon usually enjoyed it, Negan was convinced he was seriously missing out.

He hadn’t bothered to put on many layers of clothes, he only wore a shirt that was actually Simon’s and boxer shorts, and Simon was very eager to get him out of them. Without much ado or any other foreplay, Simon slid from the couch, pulled Negan in a sitting position, knelt between his legs, and took his half-hard dick in his mouth. Negan groaned, and his head fell on the couch. This mouth could do things, sinful things. Negan had to re-evaluate the best blowjob of his life on a regular basis now that he and Simon were fucking. The other man was currently sort of nibbling on the tip and dipped his tongue into the slit before he sucked him in all way up to the base. Negan cried out and his hands flew to Simon’s head when his throat clenched around him. Simon couldn’t breathe and already turned red, but Negan kind of pressed him down even deeper. He had been playing around with himself the better part of 20 minutes, he had already been on edge when he walked into the living room. This was over embarrassingly fast. It would always be a mystery for Negan how Simon managed to swallow all of it so deep down his throat without killing himself in the process. He coughed a little when he pulled away, took some forced breaths until the color left his face, but otherwise, he looked utterly unfazed, just pleased and smug that he got Negan off in under three minutes. Negan had more trouble to gain his breath back.

“Not that I am fucking complaining, but this wasn’t what I was asking for,” he said in a spent voice. Simon chuckled.

“That’s just to get the edge off. Can’t have you hurting yourself because you’re overeager, come on,” he got up and pulled Negan into his arms and into a kiss that was tender this time. Simon simply loved kissing, he could spend hours just making out with Negan on the couch like a bunch of teens until their lips hurt and they had come into their pants breathless and laughing. And he was very good at it, too. Negan moaned blissfully and pressed himself even closer to Simon. A feeling of warmth flooded through him that hadn’t anything to do with arousal, that was there, too. The past three months with Simon had been the best he had in a long time, if ever and finally he felt at peace, at home, happy to a sappy degree it was nearly annoying. Simon had stopped and looked at him with a little question mark in his face and the matching head tilt. Negan stood there with a dopey smile.

“What?” he asked him, and Negan had to grin even more.

“Nothing, it’s just, I love you. I love you so fucking much,” Simon’s face got soft, then he smiled.

“So fucking much, huh?” he kissed him again. “I love you so fucking much, too,” the next kiss got more passionate the longer it went. Simon roamed over Negan’s naked back down to his ass. He pulled him closer with both hands on the round globes. One hand snug into the crevice, a little more downwards and a finger slid into Negan easily. He groaned. Simon looked at him amused with a raised eyebrow.

“Well, you weren’t kidding, were you?” he pushed his finger deeper and bent it skillfully, straight to the point and Negan had to hold on his biceps or otherwise his knees would have buckled to the sudden shock of pleasure.

“Jesus fuck,” he panted against Simon’s shoulder. The other man just sniggered. Negan missed him the second he pulled out and a step away from him. Simon took his hand and walked him to their bedroom. Negan followed him like a puppy, still a bit in a haze, but he got back into the game rather quickly. He knee walked on the bed and tucked on Simon’s shirt.

“You’re overdressed,” he stated. Simon smacked his lips.

“What’ya gonna do about it?” with an affectionate eye roll Negan unwrapped the present in front of him. The moment his boxers and Jeans hit the ground Simon took charge. He grabbed Negan’s thighs and threw him on the bed. He went straight to his v-muscle, a sensitive spot for Negan, he could seriously come from getting touched and licked there alone. Simon ran his tongue along the well-defined muscle down to Negan’s holy of holies that he bypassed in favor to kiss and massage his balls for a bit. Negan let his legs fall open wider to give him better access and Simon accepted the invitation.

“Hold ‘em up,” Simon ordered softly after he bent Negan over by his thighs. His tongue found Negan’s puckering hole and he pushed it in without any hesitation.

“Oh shit,” Simon was not playing around, he really went for it. He pressed his tongue in as far as he could. He backed off again just to dive right back in effectively fucking Negan with his tongue.

“How does it feel, tell me,” Simon asked before he went back to it. Is voice sounded husky and aroused. What answer did he expect?

“It feels good,” Negan moaned, “So fucking good. It’s … oh fuck, Simon, there. Do that again,” Negan dissolved into incoherent babbling for a bit, just a string of curses mixed with Simon’s name. The other man made no move to slow down his pace. “Simon please,” Negan pressed out. He wasn’t above begging at this point. “Please.”

“Please, what?” he asked him smugly.

“I need more, please.”

“Alright,” Simon got back on is knees and fished for the lube Negan had discarded on the bed. “Turn around, come on,” Negan was so fast on his hand and knees Simon had to chuckle. He rubbed his lower back calmingly and pressed a kiss on one of Negan’s cheeks. “Not so fast, lay down. I won’t tease around, promise, but you need more than just some fingering and me rimming you, okay?” Negan sighed but lowered down. Simon coated his fingers with lube and slowly pushed two of them inside. He had been right, he still felt rather stretched. The feeling went away and was replaced by a sweet friction that gradually increased. Negan groaned into his pillow.

“More,” he mumbled after a while and Simon added a third finger. He was avoiding Negan’s prostate on purpose, but he was circling and stretching him in earnest now and although it still felt good Negan had to admit that there was a certain sting that made him tense a bit. Simon felt that, too. He shushed him and leaned forward to give him a slow and soft kiss.

“Relax, I got you, okay?” he took his time. At some point, his tongue joined the fingers and Negan moaned into the pillow. He felt relaxed and rather boneless and so full already, he barely registered the fourth finger entering him. His dick had finally caught on again with the program and he bucked his hips occasionally to get a least a little bit of relief. Simon pulled out and the sudden feeling of emptiness surprised him.

“How do you want me?” Negan asked. Simon frowned a bit in consideration.

“Stay like that,” he finally said. He lubed up his dick generously and applied more lube to Negan’s ass, spreading it inside with nimble fingers, and lined up in front of his entrance. Before he even began he leaned forward and gave Negan another mindblowing kiss. Negan grabbed behind him to catch Simon’s head and pulled him even deeper in. After he pulled away not without hesitation Simon looked at him seriously.

“One word and I’ll stop, alright?”

“Yeah, don’t worry. I trust you,” Simon slowly pushed in. While it didn’t hurt, it didn’t feel especially good either.

“Breathe,” Simon reminded him, and Negan let out a breath he wasn’t even aware he was holding which helped a lot. He just had four fingers up his ass but somehow he felt impossible more stretched and fuller than before. Simon stopped occasionally to give him time to adjust until he finally bottomed out with a sigh. He lowered himself down on Negan’s body, although he didn’t put all his body weight on him.

“You good?” he asked into Negan’s ear. He was panting heavily, probably the strain of holding back.

“Yeah, I’m good. It feels weird honestly, full, but no pain.”

“Good,” Simon pushed himself up and slowly pulled out. Halfway he pushed back in again. His thrusts were shallow and slow, giving Negan time to get used to the sensation, to relax into it properly and after a couple of minutes, Negan was surprised that the moans he heard were actually his. Simon had quickened the pace, but the rhythm was still leisurely, not that Negan complained. He wasn’t sure if he could handle anything else right now. Suddenly Simon stopped. Before Negan could ask what was wrong he was pulled by him on his side and now Simon was spooning him from behind. The change in position had changed the angle of intrusion and while it had felt good before it now felt just amazing. Negan moaned out loud, clutched the pillow he was still holding tightly and even pushed back at Simon’s hard cock.

“You like that?” Simon panted behind him and all Negan could do was nod and press out another moan. Simon brushed over his prostate now and again and Negan cried out and clenched around Simon who groaned as an answer every time he did. He reached around him and took his dick in his hand, giving him much needed attention. Negan’s orgasm was closing in fast, faster than he would have thought, he actually hadn’t really expected to come the first time at all.

“You can go harder,” he groaned, and Simon complied. “Fuck Simon, I’m close,” his words made Simon speed up his efforts, both in fucking into him and jerking him off and before long Negan spilled all over Simon’s hand. The younger man wasn’t far behind and the sensation of hot seed spreading inside of him made Negan moan lowly in the back of his throat. He could feel Simon's dick soften before he slid out with a dirty, little plop. They lay like that for a long time, sharing soft kisses over Negan’s shoulder until Simon sighed and pressed a kiss on it.

“That was something, I guess,” he said, and Negan chuckled.

“Dude, that was fucking awesome,” and just imagine how much better it would get now that his initial fear was overcome. “Thank you,” Simon snorted a bit.

“Never thank me for that, the pleasure was all mine. You make some pretty sounds when you’re on the receiving end of things. Have to say, I did not expect that.”

“Shut up, go back to your bookkeeping,” Simon looked at him mock offended.

“What? Kicking me out of my own bed after the deed is done? Am I just a mean to satisfy your needs to you?”

“Absolutely, that’s the only reason I’m keeping you around,” Negan sat up and looked at the mess between his legs with a frown. “You can take another shower with me, if you want, though,” who was Simon to deny him that.

Freshly showered, clothed and saturated Simon sat back on the couch 15 minutes later with Negan snuggling up to him. This time the man just idly read something on his tablet and let him do his job. The phone disturbed the peaceful silence. It was Gary.

“What’s up man,” Simon asked him. There was a weird pause on the other end of the line and Simon suddenly had a very bad feeling.

“Nova fell. She was bleeding and had cramps. We’re at the hospital now. You have to come.”


	15. Chapter 15

If Simon would have to choose one word describing how Nova looked it was annoyed. He felt relief wash over him, because that was Nova’s default state the past four or five weeks, and a lack of any other urgent emotion, let’s say panic, worry or fear was a good sign. This pregnancy was hard on her, high blood pressure and low blood count had joined the still acting up HG, she was tired and dizzy all the time, had headaches, and she even had arthritis-like symptoms in her knees, or how she put it, a fun outlook on what’s to come for her when she would get older. She was annoyed by her body. Sure, many women had it worse, and she wasn’t dwelling in self-pity, but Nova wasn’t one for calmly resigning in her fate, only that she couldn’t do anything about this.

“What the hell happened?” he asked her after he pressed a little kiss in her hair. She was hooked to a lot of monitors, one of them he identified as a CTG and he frowned down on it. “Are you in labor?”

“Fortunately not. I tripped over the dog,” she said matter-of-factly, calmly, like Gary didn’t just called him and used words like cramps and bleeding. Speaking of Gary, he sat on a visitor chair and looked more worried than usual. On the other hand, he looked always worried, so what exactly Gary felt was anybody’s best guess.

“I’m gonna kill that mutt,” Simon mumbled.

“Already did that,” Gary said. Nova had to scoff at the sudden looks of shock in Simon’s and Negan’s faces.

“He is obviously joking. I came to learn that this is what he does when he is concerned. I heard a lot of bad jokes the past hour,” Gary just shrugged.

“Yeah, he does that,” Negan chimed in. He wasn’t really sure if he was supposed to be here. He only was here in the first place because no way he would have let Simon drive in the state he had been in. Simon still needed answers.

“So are you alright? The baby? Can you give me some information? I was wildly fantasizing about premature labor and a lot of hemorrhaging while we got here, thanks for that by the way, Gareth,” he sort of snapped. That wasn’t Gary full name, Gary was his full name, but he hated it when Simon called him that. Both Nova and he were looking rather apologetically right now, and Nova took Simon's hand and gave it a little squeeze.

“Sorry, we didn’t mean to distress you. I fell, not even on my stomach, more on the side, and I thought I was okay, but then it started to hurt really badly. We were already on our way to the hospital when I was about to call. Then I saw the blood and it spiraled down from there. We panicked. Gary did not know what was going on when he called you. That was all the information he had at this point,” Simon let his fingers run through his hair. That calmed him down a little bit, but still.

“So what happened in there? The blood had to come from somewhere,” Nova wanted to answer when the door was opened and Nova’s Dr. Carson marched in.

“Oh great, you are all here,” he said in a friendly tone. Their little, weird patchwork family about to happen was well known and liked in the hospital. Nova was kind of famous, but the down to earth kind of famous, with a down to earth kind of partner, everybody who had kids over 14 knew Negan, and despite is open carried assholery he was a very popular teacher and coach, a good one, too, and latest after Simon gained fame for being a hate-crime victim he got the kind of attention where strangers walked up to him to shake his hand and apologize for all the bastards in the world. And besides, Nova and Simon were in here so often the past weeks with either one of them in tow they all knew the Cafeteria stuff on a first-name basis. So Carson apparently had no problem to share sensible medicinal information with all of them although at least two people in the room had no real right to be there.

“So, good news, bad news and then better news than the bad news, but knowing you, still bad news,” he looked in rather blank faces. “Good news, your baby is fine, strong heartbeat, she didn’t move much after the fall, that’s a good sign, she’s safe and sound. And your blood pressure concerns me a little, but otherwise, everything looks good, as well. So now the bad news. You suffered from a partial placenta abruption. We focus on the partial here. It’s still around 80 percent intact. That is the better news,” Nova stared at him.

“And why will I receive this as bad news?” Carson plopped his lips a little.

“Look around Miss Bancroft, I am afraid this will be your new home until the baby comes,” Nova groaned. Gary and Simon, too. “We have to keep you here to monitor you and your child closely. You are officially a high-risk pregnancy now since the chances that you will go into premature labor are just skyrocketed from already being fairly high due to your HG to practically certain,” Nova sighed with a sad look down her belly. Simon rubbed her shoulder gently.

“So what we want to do now is keep your child where it is as long as possible. Everything above 35 weeks is what we are aiming for, and given your condition and that you are already 33 weeks along this should be easily possible. We will give you steroids to help your baby’s lung development, preparing for the worst-case scenario that she will come in the next two weeks. Otherwise, you will stay on strict bedrest, no moving around a lot, not even to the bathroom,” another groan. “No stress, no work, just laying here watching TV, maybe reading a book once in a while. I know this is really not something anybody wants and that the boredom alone can be stressful enough, but it’s the best for you and your child, alright?”

“I suppose,” she sighed dramatically. “What happens if she comes too early? How bad would that be?” the doc scratched his nose.

“Not as bad as you might think. We would bring her in the NICU, but we would not expect a lot of complications. Depending on how good she will be able to breathe on her own you probably would be able to hold her and to feed her. Most of our preemies born around that weeks can go home with their parents after a couple of days, some maybe stay a couple of weeks. But this is a worry you should have when it comes down to it, okay?” he gave her and everybody else an encouraging smile. “Okay, I’ll leave you to digest that a little. I will check on you in the evening,” he nodded as a good-bye and left the four alone. Everyone was looking at Nova who was staring with a lost expression on her belly.

“Someone needs to take my dog,” she said into the air. “He absolutely cannot stay alone at home the whole time,” she looked at Simon, he usually took the pup in when she was on the road or otherwise occupied. He scratched his nose.

“Well, I would, but that will probably not sit well with Bacon,” he made a little head jerk to Negan. “Or Negan,” Nova frowned confused.

“Who or what is Bacon?”

“Negan’s cat.”

“You named your cat Bacon?”

“You named your dog Sir Lancemutt, and you call him Sire,” Negan just deadpanned. Nova pulled a little face.

“I agree your cat’s name is slightly less ridiculous.”

“I take it. He can stay with me and Laura in the shop during the day. Laura’s the only one who likes that little asshole anyway. Maybe I can persuade her to take him the whole time,” Nova glared a little at Gary.

“Excuse me, but I happen to like my dog as well,” Gary stayed unimpressed.

“I’m pretty sure at this point this is Stockholm Syndrome,” Nova looked a little miffed now. Whatever Simon had picked up there from the shelter, it wasn’t a dog but a little sociopath with a Napoleon complex that found surprisingly creative ways to terrorize people. His forte was ruining something Nova held dear and somehow blaming it on other humans, mostly Simon, recently Gary. He was cute as hell and he knew it and played Nova like a fiddle.

“Now that this is settled, your dog should not be our greatest concern here,” Simon started.

“You are right, our greatest concern here should be who of you gentlemen gets me a smoothie and an amaranth bagel,” Simon gave her a scolding look while she just grinned up to him. He knew what she was doing here, making light out of a bad situation, but this wasn’t the time.

“No, I meant what do you need to get you properly settled,” he said seriously.

“You are right. Comfortable clothes, some basic beauty products, and my toothbrush. We totally forgot the overnight bag, so everything is half-packed already. What else, I reckon, means to entertain me, especially my laptop. How is the Wifi in this place?” Simon shrugged.

“Okay, not exactly fast, enough to check eMail and stuff,” Nova sighed.

“Just google a list, there are probably hundredth on the internet. How to survive hospitalization during pregnancy, the ultimate guide,” Gary got up.

“I’m on it,” he gave her a little kiss.

“Thank you, love” Simon tucked his bottom lip.

“Maybe I should,” he started. Gary turned to him.

“I know you think you should, but you wear your brave face. I know you don’t wanna leave here, so by all means, stay. I’m perfectly capable to put a laptop in a bag, you know?” Simon stared at him.

“Looks like you’re not as mysterious as you think,” Negan added which earned him a scoff from both, Simon and Gary. Simon let his fingers run through his hair and shot Gary a little grateful smile.

“Okay, fine. Thanks,” with that Gary left the room. Negan stood around awkwardly.

“You really want a smoothie and a bagel?” he finally asked studying a picture of a flower arrangement on the wall. The whole room was rather pretty furnished, for a hospital.

“That would be much obliged,” Negan shrugged.

“Anything specific?”

“A banana ginger smoothie from the coffee shop on Main,” she said quick like a shot. Negan had to smile. “And any bagel will do, as long as it is a plane one.”

“That’s specific, alright. Okay, you two do your thing. I’ll be right back,” he smiled at both and already turned around.

“Wait, my purse,” she started. Negan glared at her a little admonishingly.

“Now, darlin’ I think I can whop 10 dollars. Don’t sweat it,” a little grin appeared on his face. “And if not I’ll just pay in whiskey shots,” Nova looked at him amused. “Oh, and Simon, if _Paul_ is in, should I say hello for you?” Simon grinned a little sheepishly and shot Nova a look. He actually hadn’t known that Negan knew about the crushing barista. “On that note, pip, pip,” Negan laughed.

“Yeah, pip, pip yourself out of here,” Nova called after him. When Negan was gone she tucked a bit on Simon’s arm. “Sit down, come on,” he dropped on a visitor chair and sighed.

“How do you feel? I mean how do you really feel? Are you in pain?”

“A little. It is like a little, constant sting. But no cramps. It is not bad,” she looked at him with an encouraging smile. “You know everything will be alright, right? You heard Dr. Carson. Even if she comes too early.”

“I know, it’s just… I’m sorry you have to go through this and there’s nothing I can do. And now you have to stay here for weeks,” Nova frowned a bit.

“Now, now. That is not your fault and you do all you can. You are here, aren’t you? Besides, I really hadn’t much hope that the whole pregnancy will go smoothly in the first place, British optimism you see,” she smiled, and Simon couldn’t help but smile too.

“Very funny,” he leaned back in his chair. “So, are you looking forward to sponge baths and soap operas? Because you will have a lot of those.”

“I am exhilarated. This won’t be too bad. I can work on my book, knowing you I will have a lot of company, and I already wrapped all of you around my finger. I am fully planning to take the utmost advantage out of this, you are aware of that, aren’t you?” Simon scoffed. “I mean I just sent Negan on a smoothie run, who would have thought that eight months ago. And he refrained from calling me Hogwarts, Monty Python or Love, actually for a long time now.”

“Yeah, what can I say. You’re family now. Welcome to the inner circle.”

“I feel quite comfortable there,” instead of saying anything to that Simon took her hand. They sat like that for a while until she turned to him again.

“I think it is time we talk about names,” she said a little out of the blue.

“I never really thought about it,” Simon admitted. He always kind of assumed that the name would be Nova’s decision. “I mean you are the creative one. But please not too creative,” Nova chuckled.

“Oh, considering your obsession with fruits and vegetables representing the fetus I wanted to name her Cauliflower Onion, but you stopped me right there,” Simon pursed his lips.

“Well, Cauliflower ain’t so bad.”

“I thought naming her after your mother,” Simon got very calm.

“Seriously?”

“Yes, your mother was a wonderful woman, and she had a beautiful name. And I think it will fit. Hannah Phillips sounds just right,” Simon stared at her in awe.

“You want to give her my last name, too?” Nova just shrugged.

“You’re her father, aren’t you? Look,” she scooted a bit closer. “We never really talked about it, but I know that you worry a little about everybody’s role in our little family, especially Gary’s, Negan’s, too. But always remember you are her father and no one is trying to take that away from you, okay?” Simon knew that he was tearing up, but he couldn’t help it. He gave her hand a kiss.

“Thank you, really,” he said softly. Nova beamed at him.

“Not for that. You are my best friend and I love you.”

“I love you, too, as a friend,” Simon smirked. Nova chuckled and dropped back in her bed.

“So Hannah Phillips it is.”


	16. Chapter 16

Negan lay on his sofa in his dark apartment and threw idly with one hand a basketball in the air. He caught it easily. Their first fight had been inevitable, it was them after all, but Negan had not expected Simon to come at him like that. And the worst was he didn’t even do anything this time. He was completely and utterly innocent. Maybe not utterly. He had flirted back a little bit. The woman had been very attractive, and young, and his type, but overall he had brushed her off rather briskly. At least Simon hadn’t made a scene in the guestroom. He had saved it until they were in his office. He threw the ball another time. 23 years and suddenly Simon decided to be the jealous type. Negan had a very clear idea where this was coming from. And it hurt. A lot. He missed catching the ball and it hit him in the face.

“Fuck,” he grumbled.

Simon was definitely in the wrong here. Negan was 90 percent sure of it, and he overreacted, a very un-Simon move. Granted, he was on edge ever since Nova was in the hospital, jumpy, nervous, a simple arrival of a text message sent him into overdrive, and Negan got it. He had no quarrels when Simon vented it on him a little, but not like this. He sighed dramatically. He shouldn’t have run away, though. That indeed had been a very Negan move, but probably not a good idea now that they were together. Someone knocked on the door. No, Simon nearly kicked the door in.

“Negan,” maybe he went away again. “I fucking know you’re in there. I saw your car. Parked you in, too, so you can’t run on me again,” apparently not. Negan ignored him. He heard the key in the lock. Right, Simon had a set of keys.

“Someone’s a bit melodramatic,” Simon snapped when he turned on the light in the living room. “This is not acceptable,” Negan glared at him. He slowly got up and put his arms on his knees.

“Not how I would have started a fucking apology, but by all means, go on,” he growled. Simon rolled his eyes.

“We are getting there, but you bailing on me like that? You can’t do that. Not anymore. That signature move has to go,” Negan smacked his lips.

“I will not apologize for that. You were a fucking asshole, and you kinda still are,” Simon just glared at him. “Fine, I won’t run away next time you go fucking ballistic on me. Happy?”

“Actually yeah, although you probably won’t keep that promise,” now it was Negan’s turn to roll his eyes.

“So you were saying?”

“Look, I overreacted,” Negan scoffed.

“Yeah, you overreacted alright,” he mumbled. Negan being passive-aggressive wasn’t helping the situation, but Simon was the bigger man and choose to ignore Negan’s remark.

“I am sorry. Really. I don’t even know what got into me,” Negan gave him a long and hard look. “I’m under a lot of pressure, and I am not handling it well. This is not some half-ass excuse, maybe a half-ass explanation,” he looked at him somewhat expectantly, but Negan had nothing to say. “All I saw was her hand on your thigh and I kinda snapped. This wasn’t your fault, it was mine. I mean, fuck.” Simon let his fingers run through his hair. He looked a bit desperate there. Negan took a deep breath.

“Simon, do you trust me?” and there it was. The nanosecond of hesitation, the slightest tremor in Simon’s voice when he said yes. A yes that wasn’t quite a no, more an oh well. It wasn’t like Negan didn’t understand it, but it still felt like a gut punch. His emotions must have shown because Simon deflated a little.

“Negan I,” he started, unsure how to proceed. Then he sighed. “It’s not that I don’t trust you. I do. If I wouldn’t I wouldn’t have come straight here, but canvassed every shady bar by now. I _know_ that this meant nothing, that it was just some random chick hitting on you. I mean I saw that you weren’t interested. But,” he sighed again. Who was melodramatic now. “I mean, you know,” Simon trailed off and suddenly couldn’t look at Negan anymore.

“But I am a notorious cheater after all,” Negan sort of deadpanned, filling the silence. Simon pressed his lips together.

“I didn’t mean that,” he said in a small voice. Negan huffed humorlessly. Yes, he did. He palmed his beard. Simon looked ashamed, now. Maybe he should be ashamed, he didn’t know all of the story.

“That with Lucille,” Negan started. “That was different,” he wasn’t proud of it. Nothing of it. He never cheated on anybody and suddenly he made a habit out of it. And on the woman, he had loved more than anything. He had cheated on her when she had been sick in the hospital. What kind of bastard did that? No wonder Simon doubted him, even if it was just subtle and subconsciously.

“Okay, different how?” Simon suddenly asked, dragging Negan out of his thoughts.

“A while back Nova said something to me about my marriage and ever since I thought about it a lot,” Simon looked confused about the direction of the conversation, but didn’t say anything. He sat on the coffee table instead, facing Negan with a little frown on his face. “She said that I’m blaming all of it on me, but that it actually went both ways. And I have to admit she was right. I still did most of the damage, though. I never told you that, I never told anyone,” he started to fidget with his watch. “I don’t wanna tell you now, ‘cause it fucking feels like I am badmouthing my dead wife,” Simon’s frown deepened a little. “When we got married, the first two years were great. I mean we worked, but then she started to get weird on me, withdrew from me, picked fights, I don’t know, shit like that. You fucking know me, I’m not someone who starts a conversation and she wasn’t either, so it somehow riled up over a couple of months until it blew up epically. You remember that, right? The one where I showed up on your doorstep dead drunk in the middle of the night. Aaron was super pissed.”

“Yeah,” Simon said solemnly.

“I told you it had been about just some general, conjugal bullshit. Bottled up arguments, bills, everyday stuff. But that wasn’t all. She told me she wanted a child, she actually confessed that she was off birth control for nearly one and a half years at this point. She was frustrated and sad, and all I did was reacting badly because I thought we were on the same fucking page there. I love kids, but I never wanted some of my own. She fucking knew that. I thought we agreed on that.”

“You never told me any of this,” Simon said. Negan just shrugged.

“That wasn’t just about me, so it was none of your business.”

“Fair enough.”

“That two nights on your couch helped me get my shit together, though. Crawled back to her, apologized. But 16 months is a very long time, so we went to a doctor. She thought it was her, but turned out it was me,” he sighed. “And she resented me for that. She was nearly 40 and here I was, her last chance to become a mother and I am shooting blanks. She didn’t mean to, she wasn’t cruel about it or anything. She never brought it up, not directly. But I just knew she did. The little jabs, the little side comments on other kids, the sighs when she saw something baby related followed by the tiniest glare at me. And I started to resent her for resenting me and it spiraled down from there. We were well on our way to start to hate each other when she got sick,” Simon had listened with a serious expression, now he palmed his mustache.

“And what does that have to do,” Negan interrupted him.

“Everybody thinks I ran around hooking up with everyone who looked at me twice just because I couldn’t keep it in my pants. That I was in the middle of a midlife crisis or some shit, but that wasn’t the reason. I mean I was about as secretive about it as a six-year-old. I knew she knew. I wanted her to know. I hurt her on purpose, Simon,” he felt tears welling up in his eyes, tears of frustration and anger on himself. “That’s the worst I’ve ever done, and I did some pretty fucked up shit in my days,” Simon sighed heavily. Negan didn’t dare to look him in the eyes. He probably was disappointed in him now.

“That explains a lot of that self-destructive bullshit you were pulling after she passed away,” he mumbled. Simon wasn’t wrong there. At some point, Negan had basically tried to deliberately drink himself to death and if it hadn’t been for Simon he probably had succeeded.  

“The point is,” Negan wasn’t quite done yet. He went so far, might as well finish the race. “I don’t like that guy, I fucking hate him. I never want to be him anymore. I don’t want to hurt anybody like that again,” he forced himself to look Simon in the eyes. The other man looked back with an open and patient expression He didn’t seem to be upset, and Negan felt some of the tension leave his body. “Especially not you. I know how you feel about cheating. I would never do that to you,” Simon’s face fell a little. He looked rather sad now.

“Shit, Negan, now I feel even worse for yelling at you,” Negan scratched his nose. Right, there was that.

“It’s fine, I guess. I mean, just don’t ever fucking jump at me like that again. When I give you a reason, by all means, go all in, but I ain’t done nothing there,” he said.

“I know, I’m sorry,” Simon looked at his hands and scratched one palm. "I appreciate you telling me this, really. I know how hard it is for you talking about shit like that. I," he paused. "I guess I kinda knew this already? At least to some extent? Not with all the details, but I think I understand," Negan ducked his head. That wasn't that big of a surprise. Nova somehow knew, so why not Simon. "Look, I'm not mad at you. I don't approve of what you've done, but when you say you don't want to be that person anymore, then I believe you," there was nothing but honesty in Simon's face. Negan could have cried right now.

"Really?" Simon just shrugged with a half-smile.

"Cross my heart." 

“So are we done fighting?” Negan said with another nervous fidget on his watch. “Because I don’t care how fucking desperate I sound, but I really kind of need you to hold me right now,” Simon was next to him and pulled him against his chest in a heartbeat. Negan settled in with a sigh and pressed his forehead into Simon’s shoulder. Talking about what he had done to Lucille had worked him up more than he liked to admit. Nervous tension practically vibrated in his chest, but he calmed down rather quickly. Simon pressing a soft kiss in his hair and gently running his finger’s over his nape helped. He also was surprised how relieved he was that this whole mess hadn’t ended in an ugly break up. He hadn’t been aware how scared exactly he had been that that might happen.

“I’m sorry I yelled at you,” Simon said softly. “That I doubted you. I promise that won’t happen again,” Negan’s only answer was a sigh and that he squeezed Simon a little harder. “I don’t wanna fight with you. Let’s never fight again,” Simon suggested with defiant finality in his voice. Negan put his chin on his chest and looked up to him.

“I’m pretty sure that ain’t an option, honestly. I mean have you met us?” Simon sighed overdramatically.

“Fine, you’re right. We still live in the real world, huh? Then let’s never fight over some bar skank again,” Negan chuckled weakly.

“I second that,” he pushed himself up and pressed a chaste kiss on Simon’s lips. “I love you,” he said seriously when he pulled away. Simon smiled at him warmly.

“I know,” a little, bemused smile appeared on Negan’s face.

“You wanna try that again, Han?” he asked him already going for Simon’s ticklish sides. The other man yelped when he pinched him hard.

“Alright, alright, I give up, I surrender,” Negan looked at him smugly. “I love you, too.”

“That’s what I like to hear,” Negan went in for another kiss. It lacked passion, but it was comforting. Negan wasn’t really in the mood to celebrate their conciliation with sex. Maybe he was getting old, but just snuggling up with Simon on the couch was all he needed right now. He was halfway there to doze off when an annoying ringtone pierced the silence. Simon went for his phone rather hectically. He nearly kicked Negan off the couch when he jumped up. The sudden urgency only could mean one thing.

“Nova?” Negan asked carefully. Simon just stood there staring at his phone. He looked up with a mix of excitement, helplessness and a healthy dose of panic.

“She’s in labor. The baby is coming,” he sounded like he had no idea what he was supposed to do now. Negan was not surprised by that. He picked up Simon’s leather jacket that he had discarded earlier somewhere next to the couch and fished for his car keys.

“Come on big boy,” he pushed Simon with an encouraging nudge into the direction of the door. “You have a birth to attend,” you could say one thing about Nova, though. The girl had impeccable timing.

 


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING in endnotes

Simon sat in some secluded waiting area, hunched over and with his elbows on his knees. He stared at his hands. He wasn't really thinking anything. He couldn't. From time to time the occasional thought flashed through his head, though. They mostly went "Things like that are so rare and random…", "Everything was supposed to be fine…", "This can't be happening…", "I can't do this on my own…".

Simon sighed, clenched, and unclenched his hands and proceeded the empty staring. This was not how things were supposed to go down. What did even happen? Everything had been fine one minute and then everything went to hell the other. She had held her, smiled down at her. She had been tired, but she was okay and then suddenly…

Simon closed his eyes and took a deep breath in an attempt to keep the fresh memory at bay. The yelling, and people running around hectically. Someone shoving him to the back of the room. Everybody talked at once. The shocked silence when she was flatlining.

Simon’s thoughts were interrupted by a shadow entering the edge of his view. He looked up. Negan stood there looking down on him with a deep line of worry and sorrow between in eyebrows. Simon was pretty sure he had covered the bases in the rushed phone call, but something told him that he had to say it out loud now. Negan crouched down to look him in the eyes.

"What happened?" he asked him softly. Simon shook his head and leaned backward. He felt tears well up. "Simon," Negan encouraged him. He took one of his hands in his.

"She just," he started. His voice was strained. "I really don't know. Everything was fine. They had just taken Hannah back to the NICU. Nova was making jokes and then suddenly," another sigh. Simon felt dead tired. "She had some sort of seizure and she couldn't breathe. They tried CPR and intubation and that defibrillator thing, but," Negan looked so sad now, too. "I don't know what happened there. I don't know why, but she's gone, Negan. Nova's gone," and that was it. There was nothing else to say. Negan carefully took him in his arms. Simon tried to make himself smaller, tried to hide in his embrace. He didn’t want to face reality right now, but eventually, he had to. Negan didn't let go of him for a very long time and Simon was thankful for that.

"What about Hannah? How is she?" Simon sighed. He withdrew from Negan's arms reluctantly and leaned back.

"She's alright. Small. They will keep her here a couple of days. See how she eats. Apparently, she's breathing just fine. But then I can take her home, fuck," he palmed his face with both hands. "What do I tell Gary?" Negan got rather sober now.

"He already knows, okay? Don't worry about him. Laura and Dwight are with him. Don't think about the bar either. Arat got it. And I'm going nowhere. Took some days off. I'm here all the way. I'm not leaving your side, okay? Unless of course, you want me to fuck off," Simon had to smile at least a little bit. It was a sad smile, but grateful, too.

“Thank you.”

"Not for that," Negan got up laboriously from the uncomfortable position. It really must have messed with his knees, Simon felt a bit guilty there. The other man sat next to him, pulled him into a side hug and pressed a kiss to his temple. Simon slumped against him and rubbed the bridge of his nose. There was a dull headache pounding in his head.

Half an hour later they both learned what had happened to Nova. Even Doctor Carson looked crushed. Nova had been his favorite patient. Simon vaguely remembered reading about it, but when an article started with the sentence "Amniotic Fluid Embolism is a rare, but often fatal complication during childbirth" you back out of it naturally when you have a child on the way. Obviously, there had been no way of telling beforehand and they had done everything they could. That was just the kind of sad thing that happened sometimes. It usually just happened to other people.

The next person who talked to him was some social worker. Although it was probably hospital protocol and meant in good faith Simon nearly snarled at the tiny woman when she carefully asked him if he was planning to take care of Hannah. If Negan simply hadn’t removed him from the situation by saying “I think we are done here” and pulling him out of the room this might have even turned ugly. He still was ranting and pacing loud and aggressively enough he turned some heads. Negan pulled him onto a chair.

“She just asked about your arrangements, okay? No one’s trying to take her away from you, or something,” he studied Simon’s face. “Maybe it’s time we get you home. So you can try to get some rest. At least for a couple of hours,” Simon palmed his face. That was probably a good idea, he was awake for nearly 42 hours after all, but the neonatologist whose name he had forgotten wanted to talk to him and he had been promised that he could see, hold and maybe feed his daughter again after they were done with their check-ups. He wished he could take her home already. He started to hate hospitals as passionately as Negan did. Whom was he kidding, he already surpassed Negan’s hatred months ago. His only answer to Negan’s proposition was an exhausted shake of his head. He leaned against him and closed his eyes. Now, with the first actual realization kicking in that Nova was gone his brain helpfully provided him simultaneously with 5 million different things he probably should do right now. One, in particular, stuck out.

“I should call her parents,” he said flatly without opening his eyes. He heard Negan sigh. The relationship between Nova and her parents had been complicated, and that was a generous euphemism. Everyone close to Nova knew that.

“Maybe you should let someone else bite that bullet,” Negan said next to him.

“Like whom?” he felt Negan shrug.

“Her agent?”

“It should be me. At least they know me,” Simon huffed. It sounded bitter. “I don’t even know if they know she had been pregnant. She didn’t exactly talk a lot a with them,” had been. Didn’t. Funny how fast you use the past tense when someone died. He palmed his face. “I can’t fucking do that,” his voice broke. “I just, I can’t.”

“Hey, hey, hey, look at me,” Negan urged. Hesitantly Simon turned his face to him. “You can. You have to. For Hannah. But you are not alone in this, okay?” Negan looked so sincere and Simon nodded tersely. Then he sighed heavily. A nurse approached them. There was a look of pity underneath her professional smile, and for some reason, it made Simon angry, but he was too exhausted to even glare at her.

Hannah was so small. And so light. And so crinkly. Simon smiled down at her sadly. The doctor next to him was talking and Simon registered the words on autopilot. Apparently, she failed her hearing test on the left side but no need to worry, this didn’t have to mean anything at this point, they would repeat the test later. And she wasn’t drinking on her own yet. That’s why she had a probe in her nose. The doc now listed possible complications, manageable stuff like jaundice and problems to regulate her body temperature. Simon heard all of that before. _This_ was something he had been prepared for. He just hadn’t expected to go through this without Nova by his side. The doctor left eventually.

All of this was so unfair. For everyone, really. Especially the tiny human being on his chest. She would never meet her mother, never get to know the wonderful person she had been. It was unfair to Nova who had gone through so much and had been now ripped out of life, just like that. She had been so excited. For Gary. They had been so in love. They probably had plans for the future and now nothing of that would happen. And it was unfair to Negan who now was forced to deal with Simon’s grief and an infant. The man hadn’t signed up for being a full-time parent. Simon pushed his thoughts away forcefully and focused on the little bundle.

“You are the most important person in the world for me, you know that right?” he said. “I’m gonna do your mother right, I swear.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> maternal death


	18. Chapter 18

Hannah kicked around in protest when Simon tried to put on the soft sock, but resistance was futile. It was too big. Everything she wore was too big even with being the smallest size available. But she would get there, although she still had a lot of catching up to do. Eight weeks old and she already wrapped Simon around her tiny finger. He never thought he would love someone so unconditionally who, when you looked at it bluntly, didn’t give much back except a lot of work and was actually pretty ungrateful. But he couldn’t complain. For a preemie who needed even more attention and care than a mature baby, she was rather low-maintenance. She didn’t cry much, she slept well, and she had a healthy appetite. All bases covered. He gave her foot a little kiss and lifted her up carefully. One glance at the clock on the wall informed him that he had 20 minutes to put her asleep until Negan would show up. With a sigh, he dropped in an armchair in the corner of the nursery and made himself comfortable with Hannah on his chest. She already had droopy eyes.

That little girl was the only reason he got out of bed every morning to face another day in the shitshow that had been his life the past eight weeks. Maybe that was an exaggeration, but it hadn’t been easy. Foremost, he missed Nova something fierce. He had talked to her one way or another almost every day for the past nine years and he missed her snarky remarks, her black humor, her insightful advice, her laugh, her accent, everything really, and every time he realized that he would never hear any of that again, which happened frequently and always felt like the first time, it was like a punch in his gut. And then there was all the other stuff he had to deal with. The funeral, for instance. First, he had been relieved that her agent was making all the necessary arrangements, but when it slowly emerged that this wasn’t going to be respectful and humble, but some sort of society event (even the goddamn press had been present) he nearly refused to go. The service itself was really tasteful and like Nova had wanted, and most of the eulogies, his included, had been touching, he had to admit that, but the reception not so much. It had been astonishing how many people Nova had never mentioned were the worst affected by her passing. It had been even more astonishing how grief-stricken Spencer had been. The better part of the reception Simon, Gary, and the others, had sat in some corner of the fancy hotel ballroom with frowns on their faces watching the guy making it sound like he and Nova still had been close and that he was the one who suffered the most from the loss. That was the same man who had breathed fire and brimstone about her during their divorce and was currently suing an infant over a house. Yes, that was happening. Nova, who had been scarily prepared for the case she might pass away, had of course left everything to Hannah and in extension to Simon who was her primary custodian and entitled to handle the estate. The house had been a major subject in the divorce and the asshole never got over the fact that it had been adjudicated to Nova in the first place.

It wasn’t his only legal issue right now. Enter Nova’s parents. They hadn’t shown up to the funeral, but they appeared a week later in the form of a middle-aged, black man who approached Simon in the parking lot of a grocery store, pressing an envelope in his hands and telling him that he had been served. The custody of Hannah was arranged painstakingly in a lengthy agreement, but her parents obviously didn’t care that they didn’t have a lot of legal ground and had decided to fight him on it anyway. This had shaken up Simon enough to make a late-night phone call to Aaron, he was his lawyer after all, who got him in touch with a family law attorney. Although the woman had assured him that this whole thing wouldn’t even make it in front of a judge it was a constant worry in the back of his head.

Another nuisance was the press. It wasn’t like he was besieged by paparazzi, but now and then a perky blonde or brunette in a power costume that was usually some kind of blue showed up either on his doorstep or in his bar asking him for an interview, mostly for the entertainment section of some local network’s morning show. He generally was pissed off by their boldness, the fact that people obviously knew where he lived and the entertainment section part. Nova was dead and left behind a small child, how was that entertaining? He usually said that much before he slammed the door in their faces, occasionally threaten to call the cops if they didn’t haul ass. The respectful interview requests he sometimes got over Nova’s agent or publisher he could handle just fine, but these people were vultures.

On top of it, he had a water damage over the holidays, worst Christmas ever, in his bar that had been unattended for two days which meant the he now had to rip out pretty much the whole floor of the kitchen. They still were open, but it would cost a little fortune and the insurance was currently willfully obstructive. That the kitchen was closed cut their profits by nearly 30 percent which didn’t sound that bad, but meant that he would have to struggle to pay his kitchen staff unless he laid them off. And he wasn’t that kind of boss. Theoretically, he could dip in the funds Nova just left him, she had made sure that he had free disposal over it after all, but that money was meant for Hannah and nothing else.

And then there was Negan.

Hannah was blissfully passed out with her mouth open and didn’t even made a sound when he carefully put her in her crib and covered her with a soft blanket. Then he grabbed the baby monitor and left the nursery.

Negan was over-punctual. And he looked like shit. Simon felt a jolt of guilt. He was eying him up warily before he lifted the little transport box like he tried to make sure to remind Simon that he had a reason to be here.

“I’m here to pick up Bacon,” he said a bit forced. He tried to look anywhere but at Simon who stepped to the side without a word. He was so busy avoiding Negan’s gaze, too, they might make eye contact by accident. “So where is he?” Negan asked already in the middle of the living room.

“Bedroom,” Simon just said. He suddenly wished Hannah would start crying. That would give him a reason not to interact with Negan. The man was walking into the bedroom and Simon stood around overhearing him talk softly to his cat followed by the sound of an eight-pound cat struggling with a 180-pound guy who tried to put it in a plastic container and finally the dramatic whine of said cat after he lost that battle, if only just. Negan walked out of the room and stopped halfway to the door to face Simon.

“So, I am leaving then,” he said with a bitter undertone.

“Yeah,” Simon had nothing else to say. Negan nodded with his lips pressed together.

“Alright then,” he clenched his fist tight enough Simon could hear the joints creak when he walked out and slammed the door shut. Part of Simon was relieved that he left, the bigger part kind of wished he would come back, but it was better that way. With a sad sigh, he turned around to go back to the nursery and check if Hannah just got woken up by Negan actions when the other man simply barged back in, waltzed into the living room and much to the protest of the little cat, put the container down kind of forcefully.

“This is fucking bullshit, and you know it,” he snapped. Simon sighed.

“Negan, I...”

“I tried to be fucking patient. I tried to be understanding. I left you alone when you asked me to back off for some shit reason I didn’t get. I thought, he is grieving, he is in a bad headspace, he will come through, but no. You kick me out and this is just bullshit. I thought we were good. I thought we fucking worked, and maybe I made a huge fucking misjudgment, but I honestly thought we were happy and now you just send me out of this door, this is it, have a nice life, without any fucking explanation whatsoever?” he wasn’t quite yelling, but he was close. Simon gave the door to Hannah’s nursery a pointed look.

“Look, Negan, it’s bet,” Negan interrupted him harshly.

“I swear to God when you say it’s better this way one more time I’m gonna punch you in your stupid, mustachioed face. Better for whom, hm? Sure not better for me, so it obviously is fucking better for you. So pray tell what the fuck have I done that you kick me out of your life just like that?” Simon looked down on the floor.

“You’ve done nothing,” he said softly. He let one hand run through his hair. “What do you want me to say?” Negan snorted annoyed.

“How about why? Give me a fucking reason. Any reason. I’m not picky.”

“Or you could just respect my decision and leave,” he said. Negan scoffed.

“Then show me the same fucking respect and give me something so I can understand what is going on here,” Simon dropped on the couch. He did this for Negan, didn’t the man see this?

“I can’t force you to do this.”

“To do what?” Simon threw his hands in the air.

“This. This whole thing here. This isn’t how this was planned. This isn’t what you signed up for. I cannot just force you to deal with my drama,” there was a moment of confused silence on Negan’s side and then suddenly his whole demeanor changed. He tensed, his face got hard, he pressed his lips together. Simon knew the look. He just pissed off Negan epically.

“Are you being serious?” Negan said. Simon looked over at him carefully. Negan suddenly palmed his beard and stepped a step back. Simon couldn’t quite shake the feeling he did that to not go after him already. “Then I guess I have to fucking thank you for dodging that bullet for me. I mean sure, yeah, you’re absolutely right. This _is_ better. It’s better that I sit at home every night worrying sick about you, by the way, waiting that it’s late enough to get drunk, so I can get a little bit of sleep. Cause what’s the fucking alternative, hm? Sleepless nights, diaper changes and making sure you eat something once in a while? What a fucking nightmare,” he started pacing. “Didn’t sign up for this. Are you even aware that I literally signed up for this when I accepted to become her godfather? I mean I went into a bloody notary office and put my name on some very official looking documents. Why do you think I did that? Surely not because Nova had a gun on me or I somehow was temporally out of my mind. But you apparently think I made that decision light-heartedly. So thank you, phew, imagine I had to come up with a fucking excuse on my own to backpaddle from that.”

“Negan, you have no idea what it means to,” Negan interrupted him again.

“No idea to raise a child? Yeah, right. Because you are the fucking expert since it is you who worked 29 years as an educator. Oh wait, that was fucking me. So what is the reasoning here? You protecting me from some bullshit epiphany one day where I wake up and think oh shit, this is hard work. I wish I bailed when I had the chance, now my life is ruined? You are aware that I know that kids are work and generally disgusting and they get sick and are ungrateful little assholes sometimes and fucking annoying enough that you want to strangle them, right?” he looked at him challengingly. Simon wasn’t answering. He was overwhelmed. This was not going how he had planned it and now his walls were crumbling.

“Listen, Negan.”

“No, you listen to me. I distinctively remember saying I want to be there having your back when you raise that little girl and I said in the hospital two month ago that I will not leave your side. So what do I have to do that you fucking believe me that I really want this? Do you need me to put a fucking ring on you? I can do that. Right now I wonder why, but I fucking love you, so what makes you think I won’t love Hannah like my own? Because I have a fucking newsflash for you, I already do,” Simon stared at him. Negan glared right back. A breaking dam was such a cliché metaphor, but that was exactly how it felt. He had tried to be strong the whole time, had tried to be reasonable. He had put his needs on a backburner and now it all crashed down. He nearly fell of the couch when the first heavy sob shook his body. More followed quickly. He buried his face in his hands. Negan stood next to him for a moment, clearly helpless, maybe even a bit shocked. Simon wasn’t the crying type.

“Shit,” he said and then he took Simon in his arms. Took him long enough. He wasn’t saying anything. He just held Simon, occasionally rocking him. And Simon just cried. About everything. He cried about the fact that Nova was dead, and Hannah was a half-orphan now. He cried about his loss and in self-pity. He cried because he nearly ruined the second-best thing in his life and instead of turning his back to him Negan was staying although Simon wasn’t sure he was deserving it. In the end, he cried for the sake of crying. He stopped eventually not because he calmed down, but because he couldn’t cry anymore. Negan didn’t let go of him. Simon wondered briefly how long they had been sitting that way. It felt like a very long time.

“You don’t really want me to go, right?” Negan said next to his ear.

“No,” Simon managed to press out between some heavy sniffles.

“Good,” Negan pulled him even closer. “I’m still mad at you.”

“I know,” Simon admitted softly, and rightfully so.

“You can’t make decisions like that for me, especially not without talking to me about it,” there was no heat in Negan’s voice. He wasn’t reproaching Simon for that, he was just stating facts.

“I’m sorry,” now it was Negan’s turn to say I know.

“We gonna talk about it some more, but not now.”

“Thank you,” relief washed over him. He felt dead tired right now and pressed his forehead onto the cold leather of Negan’s jacket. He had pretty much ruined it. Negan was either not aware of it yet, or he didn’t mind.

“And on the record, that wasn’t a real proposal either,” now Simon had to chuckle. It was a weak chuckle, but it was a start. He pushed himself away from Negan and sat back. The other man looked at him sadly and reached one hand out to remove some tears from his cheek. “For someone so smart you can be quite an idiot sometimes,” he said softly. Hannah started to cry. It was more like a weak wail. She didn’t really have the lung volume for some real screaming, but Simon had no doubt that they would get there eventually.

“She’s probably hungry,” he mumbled and got up. Negan followed him after he let Bacon out of his box. The cat gave him the middle claw and hurried pissed off into the bedroom. He hadn’t seen Hannah in two weeks.

“Damn, she’s bigger,” he said. Simon smiled at him.

“Yeah, almost normal birthweight. She’s a bit slow, but she’ll catch up,” he put his little finger in her mouth and she started sucking immediately. She was hungry alright. “You wanna feed her?” Negan only beamed as a response.

While he got comfortable with a fussing Hannah on the couch Simon prepared the bottle. It was actual breastmilk. He had been a bit surprised, but apparently, you could just buy it online. He was still able to discover bold new frontiers. Then he sat next to Negan and watched him cooing over his little girl while she sucked on the bottle happily. What had he been thinking? It was better _this_ way.


	19. Chapter 19

Simon wiggled the pacifier in front of Hannah’s mouth and the little girl latched on it rather listlessly. It still was enough, to distract her from the needle that was currently jabbed in her upper arm. She did squint over when the doctor pulled the needle out, though, and for a second it seemed like she would start to cry. Then she just sneezed which startled her, and she looked surprised into the air in front of her. Simon died a little from cuteness overload.

“Such a brave little girl,” he tutted and pressed a kiss on her chubby chin. Hannah giggled. As of today, she was eight months and two weeks old, and with 16 pounds and 25 inches still smaller than her peers. She should be where a seven-month-old was but effectively was at a level of a six-month-old. Simon tried, and occasionally failed, not to worry about it. Too much. Everyone kept telling him it wasn’t about what she could do, it was about that she made progress getting there and intellectually Simon knew that, but it didn’t change the fact that he sometimes got lost in thoughts wondering if she would have trouble catching up her whole life. It helped that Negan was utterly nonchalant about it. He didn’t see a problem at all. So be it she just learned to sit on her own and still couldn’t roll over, she did things in her own pace and everyone who thought they could add their unwanted opinion about it could go fuck themselves. He said that much to an overbearing mother in the park the other day. That bitch had descended on them like a carrion crow after she had ogled them for nearly half an hour (Simon still wasn’t sure if it was the gay thing, the man thing or the general everybody except her was a bad parent thing that triggered her) and then she had demanded to know how old Hannah was. Simon had answered rather warily, he didn’t actually want to get on the bad side of the parents in the park, at some point Hannah would probably want to make the one or other friend, and what followed was her lecturing them that Hannah at that age was supposed to pull herself up and stand, and they might want to get her checked out. Negan had smiled his most charming smile. The threat he delivered with it had been rather graphic. For a minute Simon had thought the woman would drop dead the way she paled. If he wouldn’t be in love with Negan already, he might have fallen for the man right then and there. They would be incredible role models for Hannah. Her school would probably have to put them on speed dial.

“So,” the doctor started. She made some notes in Hannah’s file. “One last shot in six months and we have the hepatitides covered. We send you a reminder again, alright? And you might want to consider a flu shot in October. We could combine it with the eye-examination,” Simon just sighed. So many appointments.

“Yeah, sure. Sounds good,” eyes, teeth, ears, shots, general exams, motor skills development exams, treatments when she actually got sick, which happened quite often. At this point, Simon was halfway there to think they singlehandedly kept this practice afloat. He was on first name basis with both doctors and the nurses were all in love with Hannah. That was a good thing, he supposed, especially because Hannah felt quite comfortable in here.

He groaned when the Virginia summer heat hit him and hurried to get to the car. It was Nova’s BMW. He had been reluctant to drive it, but the idea to sell it had felt even worse and Negan had been right, what use had an 18-year-old car that hadn’t been driven for 16 to Hannah when it was time to get her one. And besides, no way in hell her first car would be a BMW, 18 years old or not, she would get a starter car, a used and beaten up Datsun or Pontiac, something embarrassing and loud to keep her humbled. So Simon had caved in and he had to admit that tank of German craftsmanship was way more convenient than his Dodge, it had a million airbags, and it had a great AC. It did look out of place in his neighborhood, though. Maybe not for long. Negan’s lease was expiring. They would move in together officially and hadn’t decided if they stayed in Simon’s little bungalow or got themselves something bigger. Nova’s house was out of the question. Not only would it just feel wrong to live there, it also was way too big. No one needed 12 rooms and three bathrooms. Nova had been used to dimension like that, Simon and Negan not so much. Aaron’s legal advice, after Spencer lost a second time, was to sell it, but Simon hadn’t that quite in him. It was technically Hannah’s and at some point, she maybe wanted to see how her mother had lived. When she was old enough she could decide what to do with it, loss of value be damned. It wasn’t like she would need the money anyway. He was contemplating renting it out cheaply to students or something, just to piss Spencer off. This was something Nova would have done.

He pulled the car into the driveway of his designation and stared gloomily at the house. What he was about to do had to be the hardest thing he had ever done. Sherry opened the door after he had rung.

“Looks like Dwight lost a bet,” she said cheerfully. Simon huffed a laugh.

“Did he think I would bail and hide away with Hannah in some motel?” he let it sound like this hadn’t been a short contemplation earlier. Sherry let him in.

“Not only he, your beloved, too,” he walked into the living room and dropped Hannah’s diaper bag on the coffee table.

“When ‘my beloved’ thinks I don’t get through with it I might as well take her home with me.”

“No, you won’t,” Dwight said through the hatch of the kitchen. “Negan threatened me to chase me through the school with a baseball bat tomorrow if I let you run out of here with the kid,” that sounded like Negan. And like he meant it. Simon couldn’t do that to Dwight.

“Fine,” he looked at Hannah who grinned at Sherry. Hannah was a charmer, devoid of any stranger danger. That basically anyone could pick her up and walk away with her was probably the result of her getting handled by eight million different doctors and nurses. Simon wished she was a little warier around people, not that Dwight and Sherry were strangers in any way, but today it undoubtedly would come in handy. Only just because Hannah would probably be fine and dandy at her first overnight stay away from home didn’t mean Simon would. “I think I got everything. There’s a list what she eats and when,” like usual, so Dwight and Sherry knew that. “And please write down how much she drinks, I’m supposed to keep track of that stuff,” they knew that too. “There are two changes of clothes in case of an emergency,” at this point standard for Dwight and Sherry. “And if she fusses and cries a lot before she falls asleep don’t carry her around too much. That will just excite her,” also old news. “You can read her a story, she won’t understand it, but she likes to hear the voices,” that went without saying, really. “The blue pacifier is for the night,” that was probably the only novelty. Good that he wrote it on the list with what she was eating and when among everything else he just said. “And when anything comes up you call me, okay?” it was clear at this point that Dwight and Sherry both had a hard time not to laugh.

“You want me to keep you updated even if nothing comes up?” Dwight suggested half-jokingly. Simon just glared at him.

“That would be nice,” he finally muttered. “So, that’s it then. Anything else?” Dwight and Sherry both looked at him expectantly. Finally, Sherry rolled her eyes.

“You might wanna give her to any of us,” Simon sighed.

“You guys cannot be tricked,” he gave his little girl a smooching kiss and she giggled because his beard was tickling her. “I’m gonna miss you so much,” he cooed before he handed her over to Sherry. She didn’t bust out in tears. Little traitor. Dwight walked him to the door. Simon had the impression rather insistently. They basically kicked him out.

“Go home, dude,” Dwight said. “Enjoy your date night. It’s your anniversary. Negan has a whole thing planned. We got it. We take her to the shooting range and later we’ll maybe watch a violent movie with her,” Simon looked at Dwight somberly.

“I know you are making a joke, but don’t test me,” he said flatly.

“Fine, we entertain her for the next two hours with the collection of toys you approved of, put her in her night-onesie, feed her a bottle, read her a story and lie her down to sleep. She will be fine. And you’ll live, too. And now get the fuck outta here, before Negan sends a rescue team to fetch you.”

Simon got the door shut in his face. He sighed. It was important that Hannah got used to stay somewhere else overnight. There could always be an emergency and then he would have one worry less when he could be sure that she felt comfortable at where she was. And besides. It _was_ their anniversary, and they hadn’t spent a night alone and in peace for more than six months. He could have that. He deserved that. He would just repeat that like a mantra until he would believe it.

Negan was awaiting him.

“So how hard was it, papa bear?”

“Piece of cake,” Negan raised one eyebrow amused. “And whatever Dwight says I handled it expertly and anyone who says otherwise I will fight to the death,” he went straight for the comforting hug, nonetheless. Negan rubbed his back a little.

“I’m proud of you,” there was just the tiniest bit of mockery in his voice. Simon could easily gloss over that. He stepped back and let his hand run through his hair.

“Dwight says you have a whole thing planned? So what do you have in mind?” he looked around with slightly squinted eyes, checking the house for any sign of romancing. Simon was not a fan of tacky, romantic gestures. Surprise him with a candlelight dinner and string quartet and you had a surefire way to make him turn on his heels. For him it was more the little things, like Negan remembering what brand of cereal he liked, filling his car with gas when he was low and had to be somewhere the next day, or leaving him little, silly notes where he would find them, but restaurants with separate wine lists happened to other people and so help him he would ever find a rose petal on his bedspread. Negan, of course, knew that.

“Well, nothing fancy. Just made your favorite, got a bottle of that gin you like. Thought we just eat, relax a little, but to be completely honest I’m pretty beat so turning in early would be a great way to end the day,” Simon had to chuckle. Hannah kept them pretty busy. Undisturbed night’s sleep was at this point a hypothetical concept they didn’t remember ever to have experienced. So turning in early sounded actually really good.

“I can live with that,” he gave Negan a kiss. “Besides, twice a day might be a bit much, old man,” and they had started the day with some morning delight, so Simon couldn’t complain.

“Ass. However. Sit on the couch. First things first. Time for your present,” Negan already made a beeline for the kitchen, so Simon did what he was told. He had given his present to Negan in the morning. It had been Orioles tickets. Simon personally didn’t like baseball very much. It took forever, and it was confusing. Negan thought the same about ice hockey, but at least he understood the game. Simon had promised Negan he would go with him to the game, and genuinely try to enjoy himself. He probably would ask a lot of stupid questions, though. It also meant two days in Baltimore without Hannah, so the little sleepover was a practice run on many levels.

Negan dropped next to him. He had a leather binder in his hand, and he looked oddly excited.

“It’s not a ‘real’ present, I think. I mean I didn’t buy you something,” Simon frowned amused. “Well, however. I really fucking hope you like it,” with that he held the binder towards him.

“I can always use binders,” Simon stated and turned it in his hand. It was a rather high-quality binder. And it looked kind of familiar.

“Open it, dipshit,” Simon rolled his eyes in affectionate annoyance. He loved it when Negan used insults as endearments. He flipped it open and looked down on the papers in front of him. Then he blinked. He blinked again.

The past six months Simon had seen a lot of legal documents. Mostly in not so happy circumstances. He had fought off Spencer and he had fought off Nova’s parents and he had fought with the insurance company accusing him of neglect of duty concerning his plumbing. This particular document in front of him he had studied in his free time on his own account quite tediously. He theoretically could fill it out in his sleep, he just hadn’t really known how to approach the subject to Negan, and now this. No wonder the binder looked familiar, it was from Aaron’s law firm. He stared down on it long enough Negan already got nervous.

“I mean theoretically you just need to sign it. It’s all fine, Aaron helped me actually. Was a bit awkward, to be honest. But of course, the decision lies with you. And he said you could come and ask him anything, about my rights, your right, her rights,” Simon looked up. That somehow made Negan shut up.

“You really want to adopt her?” Negan shrugged awkwardly.

“Yeah, I know you called dips on Daddy, but I think I can settle on Dad or even Papa, so why not make it official?”

Negan got attack-hugged and assault-kissed. He made a surprised sound somewhere along the lines of oomph and chuckled against Simon’s lips.

“That’s the best present ever,” Simon peppered Negan’s jaw with kisses. “Thank you so much,” he pulled away and let his thumb gently run over Negan’s bottom lip. “How did I get so lucky?”

“I’m the lucky one really,” Negan said. Simon’s smile got impossibly wider. He kissed him again and then put his head on Negan’s chest. He fitted perfectly in the crook of the other man’s neck like it was made for him. They sat like that for a while.

“You know last year sucked,” Simon said softly. “I mean, it easily was one of the worst I ever had,” Negan’s only response was to gently squeeze his shoulder. “But it was also one of the best. And you are a large part of the reason for that, you know that right?” he looked up to him. “I love you,” Negan’s smile was soft.

“I love you more.”

“I doubt that,” Negan chuckled while Simon got comfortable again on his chest.

Life was …  well, life was a little bitch sometimes, shoving you into oncoming traffic giggling like a maniac. And then you had to deal with broken bones, physiotherapy and the owner of the car that ran you over demanding to pay for the damage you just made. But all was easier when you had someone next to you ready to take the one or another blow, or even punching back. They would have their ups and downs. They would bicker and fight, share inside jokes and fond memories. They would have to deal with bruised knees and bruised egos, teenage angst, jealousy, broken hearts, little drama, big drama, and maybe the occasional hospital stay.

But there would always be love, so much love, and in the end, they would come out of it just fine.  


End file.
